The Best Revenge

This interview with Mindy Kaling on The Happiness Project reminded me that the best revenge is living well.

Hell, yes it is.

So here’s a quick guide to living well and getting revenge:

1. Eat Whatever You Want 
Chances are whoever burned you is busy worrying about their caloric intake and obsessing about their workout schedule. I’m just making assumptions here but in my experience people who burn you typically are or become hyper-obsessed about their weight. Don’t do that. Top your coffee with whipped cream, get the dressing on your salad, and order a slice of pie. Just don’t eat the WHOLE pie. This way, you’re enjoying your life without over indulging and they are shrinking away into oblivion.

2. You Don’t Need More Stuff
Unless you are a starving child in Africa or your children are going hungry, the odds are you don’t need more stuff. What you need? Life experiences. So put down that black sweater. You’ve got four. Instead go take a yoga class, take up knit or start training for a marathon. What’s your nemesis doing right now? Probably getting drunk. Alone.

3. Buy Something that Makes You Feel Bitchin’
Oh, I know. This seems to contradict #2. The thing is you don’t need more STUFF but you could use one THING that makes you feel fabulous. So get a pair of boots you love or a lotion that’s simply indulgent. Make sure it’s something you can’t live without, something that truly makes you smile every time you use it. What I mean is: not a cookie jar or a fire extinguisher.

4. Stop Indulging Revenge Fantasies
Look, it’s understandable to be angry. It’s human to fantasize about that great last line that you SHOULD have used. However, this should not last more than say, 72 hours. If you keep thinking about that fight or planning a Sydney Bristow-style ass kicking, you are the one who loses. As my father would say, “You are letting them rent space in your head for free.” Don’t let them win. Have one final imaginative escapade and then move on. The next time you think of them? Start baking or reading or running…anything to distract you

5. Delete their number/email/Twitter address
No, not from the face of the planet. Delete is from your contact list. You don’t want to know what they’re doing. You don’t want to know who they’re seeing. You don’t want to know them. That’s what you told them right? So practice what you preach. The saying “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” is really very true. So make sure they’re out of your sight. No Facebook stalking, no Google searches, no loopholes. Really, it’s for the best.

As an aside, I love Mindy Kaling so if you’re not following her on Twitter, go do it @mindykaling. And for the love of Pete, buy her book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)“. That’s not an affiliate link, I just love it that much.