Dear sweet Julie from By Any Other Name has guest posted here before. I asked her to stop by and entertain you again during my maternity leave because 1) I think she’s that entertaining and 2) I didn’t think she’d remember she’d previously posted. The lady is busy, you can’t expect her to keep track of these things. In any event, the light-hearted post below sheds some light on something we are ALL prone to doing. Don’t lie. You do it too.
I’m here today with KLZ, one of the most straight-forward bloggersI know, to get real about a subject that’s dear to my heart: Blog comments.
To me, this is one of the most entertaining aspects ofblogging. But it also can be the most baffling.
I assume most of us read a variety of blogs and at least occasionallyglance at comments left at other sites. So perhaps you too have noticed thatcertain well-intentioned commenters – including me – have a tendency to dabblein HYPERBOLE.
Indeed, exaggerating for effect is like nose-picking; we alldo it when no one’s looking.
Unless you don’t and then neither do I.
Either way, let’s explore this issue and see if any of thefollowing sounds familiar.
1. Commentson sad/nostalgic posts:
Characterized by admissions that“I’m sobbing” or “You got me all weepy” these statements may include requeststo “Please pass the Kleenex.” Extreme circumstances may render a gentlysarcastic “Thanks a lot. I’m drinking my mascara.” And sighing. There’s usuallya whole lot of sighing.
2. Commentson funny posts:
Characterized by phrases like “I justwet my pants!” or “I snorted coffee all over my keyboard!” and variations ofthat ilk purporting, “These are the most hysterical words I’ve ever read in myentire life!” Such compliments increase exponentially at sites where the bloggeris smarter than everyone else and no one knows what he/she is actually saying.
3. Commentson cute posts (often augmented by pictures):
Characterized by ironically morbidclaims such as “I die” or “I just exploded from the preciousness.” See also: “Iwant your baby” which is borderline creepy, if you ask me. Extra credit offeredfor any and all references to Hearts and/or Swooning. (Side note: Occasionally,the pictures are not that adorable. Shhhhh.)
4. Commentson posts regarding achievements:
Characterized by claims that theblogger is “Amazing” or a “Rock star” or “The most gorgeous/talented/hard-workingspecimen on the planet.” Of course there area lot of bloggers doing seriously impressive work. Then there are those of us receivingaccolades for accomplishments like “I remembered to put on underwear!” Rockstar, indeed.
5. Commentson posts mentioning alcohol:
Characterized by statements thatimply we should all be living at Charlie Sheen’s Sober Valley Ranch. Variationsinclude references to wine (a favorite and harmless!) or the more insidious suggestions(and therefore hopefully in jest) that all problems can be solved by “taking abath in Jose Cuervo followed by a Jack Daniels shower. And repeat.” Extrapoints allotted to those competitive souls who outdo the booze-relatedreferences in the original post or in the comments that’ve already been published.
6. Commentson sexy posts:
In which offers of three-ways andboob-flashing abound, alongside promises of future conference orgies scheduledfor next year. I’m pretty sure I’ve offered to “virtually” feel-up at leastthree dozen bloggers and I can’t calculate the number of girl-crushes andmake-out sessions I’ve seen planned. (Side note: These comments may overlapwith those praising us for remembering to put on underwear.)
7. Commentson posts featuring recipes:
Are any of you truly “licking the computerscreen” or “totally making this for dinner RIGHT NOW!”? I’ll admit that many bloggers’dishes resemble the greatest meals in the history of eating. But unless someone’sgracing my kitchen to cook for me, it’s Campbell’s soup or bust for theGardners.
To be clear, I’m as guilty as the next blogger of spicing upmy comments with claims so over-the-top, people know I’m joking. (Probably.)
For example, you can find me typing, “I may or may not bewearing a Batman costume and whistling Dixie,” when it’s nowhere near Halloween.Or my lips are super-chapped.
However, if I say your post is “so hilarious I want you toraise my kids,” this may not be a stretch.
(I mean the part about wanting you to raise Jack and Karly.No one’s actually that funny.)
Still. If you believe that “I’m currently standing on yourfront porch naked ringing the doorbell,” you may want to…oh forget it.
Such gullibility is too severe for me to address.
And anyway, these Batman tights are making me stabby.
Now go nakedly ring Julie’s doorbell as payback at By Any Other Name.
Hee! I die. I mean *swoon! Or maybe just pass the wine!
Wait, what?
{Great post, you two!}
Oh my gosh I LOVE this post I am laughing out loud (and I really mean it). Love you both and I don't even need promises of being felt up.
I'm dying. I just died. No, seriously, call 911. Now.
This is hysterical and oh, so true. But, blog comments– what would we do without them?
Oh, I love this post.
But that makes sense, because I love KLZ, and I love Julie . . . and those aren't statements from hyperbole
And I think I have actually spit my coffee out at the screen after reading something funny, but that might have been more because it was hot. Just like boobs are hot.
I won't mention the threesome offers that come in from the other blog.
Since any comment I leave will be suspect, I am just going to go with the slow clap. Though you know I don't throw words like hilarious around haphazardly. Great post!
Crap.
Now what am I going to say?
xo
KLZ – I love you.
Thanks for having me here and really?
Your babies ARE that cute.
(Plus, I'd make out with you.)
See people, sometimes it's the truth…
This is so awesome I've kicked the bucket, fallen in love, snorted coffee and possibly cough medicine out of my nose all while running down the street naked with a giraffe mask on screaming your name.
Oh. Wait. Maybe I should try for some hyperbole.
I'm guilty of each and every one of these so I'll add a new one–”Throw me in a maximum security federal penitentiary!”
I find this particularly awesome because really, most of us are just rooting around trying to be as good at commenting as you are. Because we die.
*Blinking Eyes*
{no comment worthy of gracing this post about comments}
{even though I'm really trying}
{hard}
This post is funny. I just wet my pants. While snorting coffee all over the keyboard.
And where are these sexy posts and virtual orgies you speak of?
oh, i love this with all the love i can muster, and that is quite a lot. many hearts and flowers to you. kiss! uh-huh. good one.
I may as well cut off my fingers and tongue right now because nothing I type or speak will ever be as mind-blowingly, explode-from-the-awesomeness funny as what I just read.
No, seriously.
This is so true! It's really hard sometimes to come up with the true and original comment. Sometimes you can't do anything but state the obvious: “I just spit my coffee all over my keyboard” is the best way to describe how your post affected you. A simple “LOL” or “LMAO” sometimes just doesn't do it!
Excellent post! Yes, it cracked me up!
I would have loved this post when I was trying to explain hyperbole to my 9th graders when I was teaching. I *might* have had to edit some parts- but seriously- it's perfect.
The best part about writing a post like this?
It's making people leave outrageously complimentary comments as a joke.
But as I'm reading each one, I'm thinking “Hooray! They like me! They really like me!”
Then the light bulb goes on…oh right. (Hyperbole.)
True story. There's really a light bulb over my head.
First I'm wetting my pants over the post itself. Then I read Mrs. Jen Bardall's comment and, well, I'm crying from laughter.
But, seriously. I'm also with Kristin – who's talking about orgies? No one's talking about orgies at Literal Mom.
I like to *promise* hugs and on the mouth kisses to real life people who make me happy, but I didn't know I could promise that in my blog comments.
Thank you, Julie, for clearing that up. I have SEVERAL bloggers I'd like to hug and kiss on the mouth – all because of my love for their hilarity.
I'll start with you.
Because I cannot compete with Julie (nor KLZ's) awesome, I just want to say that Julie and I must read and comment on the same bloggers because I could identify way too much from this hyperbolishish post.
Funny cuz it's true.
What about the one where I'm all, “I want to bite your baby's cheeks” or “I want to nibble your baby's toes” or other baby cannibal comments? What if 10000 years from now someone stumbles upon all these blog comments and is like, “man, they were some kind of race of baby eating weirdos, eh?”
It's on level with Have a nice summer! in someone's yearbook. You want to say something, acknowledge that you've been here, but aren't creative enough.
Jack and Karly are that cute…I know! I do love following you and that's the truth! Thanks for the walk.
THAT'S THE MOST HILARIOUS, DELICIOUS, HEARTBREAKING STORY ( capitalized for emphasis)
I'm ruining my makeup as I go fix that for dinner RIGHT NOW!!
Oh f it. You blew my whole commenting plan out of the water.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
a. This is so funny I peed myslef **note: I have had 4 kids so this happens everyday regardless of laughter…**
b. I want to know what I'm doing wrong that nobody has ever offered me a three-some in a comment…I'm offended.
c. I did lick my screen after reading this…but only b/c I didnt' want to be accused of hyperbole and I really wanted to say it.
hearts & hugs
tasted like grape jelly.
OMG you are such a rockstar. And you are hot. I don't think we tell each other how hot we are in blog comments quite enough. Can we start that trend?
Grape jelly is delicious.
Also, to all of you not getting invited to threesomes and orgies, I'm so sorry.
I'm not either really.
(As far as you know. Shhhh.)
Wanna make out?
Great. You're telling me all those offers of motorboats and wet kisses were exaggerations? Heart. Broken.
For the record, I am mildly fond of the talents of Miss Julie.
Wait, didn't your post linking to this guest post mention stealing KLZ's kids?
But what if I really do get weepy? And what if I like to lick the computer screen? And what if I actually do want to marinate, roast, and eat your child because s/he is so adorable?
Sometimes what I say is just what I mean.
I have been out-hyperbolized! #thatisall
At least all this hyperbole has brought “swoon” back into modern day conversation.
A much underrated word, “swoon.”
Not that I'm swooning. Or crying. Or lusting. Though you both are hot.
Julie-
Seriously funny- Brilliant.
No exaggeration.
I was sad to see that the many variations of *hugs* ((hugs)) ((((HUGS)))) wasn’t listed under the sad/nostalgic category. (sigh)
What I got from this is that I would get better comments if I talked about orgies. Orgies involving bathtubs of rum and delicious looking food. But not at the same time, I don't think (frantically googling orgy etiquette.)
Have a great weekend hilarious friends.
(and thank you for giving mr the opportunity to use “orgy” or a variation of such shenanigans several times in one comment.)
I stopped by and read this blog post.
I wish I knew what to say…
Great post, seriously.
Oh no!
I completely dropped the ball on (((hugs))).
I'll have to do a Part Two post in which I tackle them. And XOXO. And emoticons.
And then I'll keel over from the hypocrisy…(So guilty.)
I cracked a smile as I read this at my desk at work. I was also, truth be told, listening to music and eating lunch. So I really couldn't be bothered to swoon, die, or Roll on The Floor Laughing.
But I did smile, Julie. I always do, with you.
Wanna make out?
OMG this is the most amazing thing I've ever read. I'd die from awesomeness exposure but then how would I make out with you? Also, any time you want to feel me up, come on over. But make sure you bring the wine. I don't have any kids but wanna see a picture of my dog? He'll make you swoon.
GUILTY as charged. Especially on the “I want your baby” ones. Although I don't think I've ever ACTUALLY typed that. And I don't really WANT their babies, I just want to smooch on them and then give them back so totally NOT creepy, right?
LOVE this post and the laughs I got from it and that is NO exaggeration.
You are one filarious woman!!
i live in a hyperbole. just ask my mom and husband. it's either a million degrees in our house or it's negative a million degrees.
also? if you can point me in the direction of a blog that really CAN make me laugh my ass off? that would be awesome.
Above average post. I still get credit for showing up, right?
On a slightly serious note, I don't always comment on even my closest blogging buddies posts anymore for this reason. How many ways can you say the same thing.
Yes, Julie I will make out with you and yes, KLZ your kids are way cuter than mine.
No, seriously.
I've been to blogs where I didn't understand a damn word of the post and all the comments are CRACKING UP.
Makes me want to leave the dreaded “LOL” just to serve em right.
I must be a weirdo or something.
I don't fall into any of those categories … well maybe into one … three, perhaps.
Def'nitely not more than five.
Anyway, no one reads my stuff.
*SIGH*
Oops!
Crap … called out and busted. I vow and declare I am most saddened over these events. Why did I suddenly turn into a Southern Belle you ask? It is how I dress before I read your blog. Not Batman tights or naked for me.
I think you are a rockstar though and you reeeeally are my fave. I'll street fight anyone who says I don't believe it.
I'm all about love fests when commenting.
I never hesitate to tell people I love reading that I LOVE THEM.
I LOVE YOU.
Too much?
(love you anyway)
(((((hugs)))))
Oh I just spit my cofee on my computer screen…
I am guilty
basically blog comments make my brain hurt. I suck at them (i think) and yet I have to write them, otherwise the blogger wouldn't know my deep feelings, which never translate onto the comment anyway. And sometimes I don't have deep feelings. Oh look, a post about your begonia. Nice.
I think there should be a box that you check, “SO and So was here. She read your stuff. She liked it” the end.
Is that selfish?
I suggesting we make out, swap kids, lick our screens, sie laughing, and bathe in Cuervo is wrong?
I don't want to be right!
Swoon.
Now I'm going to have comment anxiety every time I read one of your posts. I promise to reference this list daily.
Ahem. I have no idea what any of this means. I would NEVER leave an over the top comment ever.
(robotic voice) I. am. afraid. to. leave. a. comment.
No, I really did laugh out loud and weep a little, but I also blushed with guilt. I am quite hyperbolic.
I just assume all these comments on how wonderful I am are fact.
AREN'T THEY?
You mean there are bloggers getting requests for threesomes?!
How can I get in on that action? Is there some special screen I need to lick, or perhaps a bottle of JD that must be ingested?
I'm feeling a little left out here, but if that wasn't the “take-away” from this post, then nevermind.
Beloved Julie.
Forgive me.
I thought I had commented on this.
Because you are like so totally awesome.
Every time I get a notification that one of your posts has arrived I squeal and pee in my pants a little bit.
I want to give you diamonds and lick your elbows and clean your kitchen.
Also, I like writing the longest notes to you.
To prove my lovely love.
And I even love you when you are stabby.
It's true. You can do no wrong with me, babe.
I am going to tweet you now.
I'm kind of scared you are going to think this is all false praise.
But it's not.
So I'm going to sing you a song:
Since you've been away, I've been down and lonely
Since you've been away, I've been thinking of you
Tried to understand the reason you've left me
What are you going through…
Ooh ooh, I'm missing you…
I bet you didn't know I could sing.
Is this long enough?
Okay, love you. Mwah.
xoxo
Swoon. Oh-so-guilty of the swoon.
And yes, I would agree that based on The Twitter, we're all bathing in white wine while licking monitors.
Not the best idea.
PS—You always have the best comments.
You forgot this one:
What a fabulous guest post! I wasn't following before but I am now! HUGS!
But in this case, I'm already following the guest-poster.
So funny! Seriously though, why do we all comment like that?? It's a great mystery. You are spot on here!
Dang-a-lang. Your 59 comments don't leave me many hyperbole choices.
Should I swear? Shit this was one of the best fu*king posts ever damn it all to hell.
Or use caps, religious, and urban references? HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, THIS POST IS SO AWESOME, IT'S REDONCULOUS.