Month 1: You don’t know you’re pregnant for most of this month. Expect to spend your time obsessively waiting to pee on a stick. Also, drunkenly eating sushi because hey, there’s a possibility you won’t be able to soon so you’d better do it now while you aren’t aware of your fetus.
Month 2: Expect to feel like you’re going to die. Also, overcome with guilt about your drunken sushi indulgence.
Month 3: Expect to not know how you are still alive. Also, expect your significant other to be real tired of you feeling like you’re going to die.
Month 4: Expect to feel much better and eager for your 20-week ultrasound. Also, if this is your first child, expect this to be the time when your significant other starts making a big deal about this being “your last 9 months of freedom, so let’s go party.” Try not to choke them with the bottle of beer that you can’t drink. 9 months of freedom my ass.
Month 5: Expect to feel like you’re huge. Also, expect me to laugh at you for thinking this. Just wait.
Month 6: Expect to have already heard people claim you’re “about to pop”. Also, expect at least one person to have asked if you’re having twins. Smile. If you get angry, they’ll just say condescending things about how hormonal you are.
Month 7: Expect getting up off the floor to have become impossible. If you mistakenly sat down on the floor for some reason, you live there now. Also, expect people to start offering to carry things for you and offering you seats. There is no reason not to milk this.
Month 8: Expect not to be able to roll over in bed. Also, expect your significant other to be really huffy about how you not sleeping well is really bothering them.
Month 9: Expect people in elevators everywhere to be terrified when you board and taxi cab drivers to avoid you. They are afraid you will go into labor and they will have to deliver the baby. Also, expect your significant other to freak out repeatedly about you going into labor….until you actually go into labor at which point they will not believe you.
Labor: [REDACTED]
Post-Partum: Expect to never love anything like you love the screaming things in your arms and/or expect that it can take awhile to truly feel bonded. It’ll go one way or the other. Also, relish the fact that your significant other has wisely brought you sushi to indulge in after the birth.
This is perfect. Now I want one more and sushi.
BAHAHAHAHAHA I was sick my whole pregnancy & Chris was at sea for most of it. I should do a milspouse version lol.
I really really really hated being called “hormonal” every time I got mad. I have a hot temper. If anything, pregnancy made me nicer because I was puking so much I didn't feel like arguing.
When I was pregnant with Maddie, I developed this severe pain in my groin whenever I got up off the floor or sofa or climbed stairs. I basically looked like Michael Jackson grabbing my crotch all the time.
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Um, yes! Also? Don't expect to be able to put on pants while standing up in month 8 and 9.
This is so true! I really had trouble getting off the floor.
This was hilarious! I especially loved month #4.
So true!
You forgot to mention feet in there somewhere. You'll almost forget you have feet because you can't see them. But you'll remember them as soon as you try to wear a pair of shoes that no longer fit your swollen feet.
This is SO true! Thanks for sharing it! lol
And? Expect to have every.single.idiot on the planet to give you their totally unsolicited and unwanted advice about everything from breastfeeding to college.
Oh I love this! I could add so much but the stuck on the ground thing was soooo me!
I didn't get no stinkin sushi after I gave birth. no fair.
I also took awhile to bond. I still feel pretty guilty about that.
Everything else, totally spot on.
I love month seven! I made the mistake of getting down on the floor in month seven. I lived there for awhile!
Month 8 — totally true!!
all true…all hilarious
hope youre feeling good
This is perfection and so funny…especially since I am 34 weeks preggo with surprise baby (it's #5!!!..i know..yikes!!) But you need to include fine print to the hubby: sex will not be tolerated!!
This was great! I wonder, would it work, for the people who insist on touching your belly and giving unsolicited advice, to pretend you aren't pregnant and act upset that they assumed so. Even if you have a crib, bottles, and diapers in your shopping cart.
This is SO spot on and FUNNY!
I'm still waiting for the book “What to Expect When They Turn Seven and Beyond”. I could totally use that one.
Hahaha! Great post.
Month 6 – YES! Why are people so universally stupid?
Month 7 – made me laugh very hard. may as well just set up camp down there. too funny.
So stinkin' true!
Although, I almost lost my cookies when I read the last sentence…I read it as “indulge in the after birth.”
You are so funny! I love that labor was redacted haha!
Substitute tequila shots and burritos for drunken-sushi-eating and you have the first month of my first pregnancy.
Second pregnancy? Lots of flu meds and Nyquil after the doctor's pregnancy test came up negative. But I was. Pregnant, that is. And sick with the flu. Good times.
Still. The kids turned out okay.
Mostly.
And my favorite is when first-time mamas wear full-on maternity clothes at ten weeks.
Awesome.
My first thought when I found out was Yay! Second: shit, shit, shit, I had sushi everyday last week!
Good one my friend. How close are you to eating sushi again?
That is beyond fabulous, though my favorite is definitely month #2!
Things I will never miss- being too pregnant to roll over in bed or getting up in the night too pee. If I'm being honest I also won't miss puking every time I brush my teeth.
Good times, you have fun.
Oh yes, the TRUE what to expects!! Those are good (and I laughed pretty hard at living on the floor).
Wait, I thought you said you weren't writing a book this month?
Because this should replace any pregnancy book currently freaking out first time moms everywhere. I mean, telling them about their pregnancies.
Now this is advice I could have used. And labor–redacted!! LOL, smart move!
Oh how I love your sense of humor, the giggles never stop. #7 …”the floor: you live there now!” That will have me smiling for no reason all day now. This was hilarious. I threw up for 35 weeks…so I have no point of reference for what being pregnant is really like…but I am almost happy about my bed rest
I like how you left out any information on labor. Well, done.
I made sure sushi was on the menu after the birth of my daughter
I have a friend who had twins . . . at 6 months, she was ready to bitch-slap everyone she passed. At 9 months, well, it was freaky.
Labor: Redacted is about the funniest thing I have ever read in a blog post. EVER.
I completely forgot about the not rolling over part. And the part about living on the floor.
This is so real, and SO funny.
THis was wonderful, KLZ.
My husband never believed I was in labor.
He even tried to stick his head in there to look.
TMI??
My heartburn-suffering pregnant self feels underrepresented here.
But I don't hate you.
Also the labor thing? Took ME all day to figure it out.
Don't hate me.
BTW: I love you, mostly because you write like this and for how much you love dresses and the color green. Just wanted to put that out there.
And you said you would never write a book
Seriously. What was up with the manfolk complaining that MY not sleeping was disrupting HIS sleep. I never quite got that.
And exactly one week before I gave birth, Hubs and I went out for Thanksgiving dinner at a local restaurant (because I couldn't travel and hell if I was cooking). I walked in and the staff looked collectively terrified. TERRIFIED. I've never received such prompt service in my life – were were in and out of there in under an hour.
That is probably the most realist “What to expect” list I've ever seen.
Now this is the stuff I need to know someday. Or maybe the list of reasons to avoid having this happen someday.
Catching up on your posts. This was great and so true. Well, except I don't eat sushi. I might add something about nesting…
I use the excuse of possibly getting pregnant at some point in my life to eat as much sushi as humanly possible.
Hee! And love! And more hee! And swoon!
{That's how I feel when I come here.}
Love this!
xo
I love you! Though, not a sushi fan. But I did miss my caffeine. And alcohol the first time. (Not that I drank the second time. I just hadn't really started drinking again between the two, so I didn't miss it as much.)
Haha! Yes, definitely the REAL what to expect. So true!
SO true!! All of the above!!
Love this
Very accurate list! Though I've never been a sushi fan either – I refuse to eat anything from the ocean. Not because of some sort of principle, but because I think it's all gross.
THIS is IT! My favorite are the first two though. With my first I had a wedding on Saturday was kind of sure I was pregnant but waited until Sunday to find out so I could “enjoy” the wedding!
Love this post and it is so true especially month 9 and the postpartum love.
you live there now ..hahahhahaha
Loved this ,so funny