Today, my friend Julie is here to entertain you. This lady is one of my favorites in the blog world – I’d call her a breath of fresh air. But not fresh, Russian tinted air. Julie writes at By Any Other Name which is a veritable laugh riot. I clap every time her posts hit my email. I’m not even kidding.
May is going to be a tough month for me, so I’ve asked some really awesome people to stop by and entertain you while I’m trying to do whatever the hell else I’m supposed to be doing this May.
So, Julie is the vanguard of the awesome. Which I think perfectly describes her and is what she should put as her title on her business cards.
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“If we gauge puberty on a scale from One to Five,” my daughter’s pediatrician points at me, “You’re at a Five.”
She smiles and I nod, proud of my A+ in development. Then she turns to my eleven-year-old (baby) girl and says, “You look like you’re at a Three.”
Wait. What, now?
I consider cupping my breasts. Did you get a good gander all this? If I’m a Five, how could she possibly be a Three? And where, pray tell, would Kim Kardashian fit on your spectrum?
Instead, I keep my mouth shut, mourn the swift passage of time and decide I must purchase a padded bra.
But before I can get my hands on the next Victoria’s Secret Catalogue, my Stage-Three daughter brings home a slip from school inviting me to screen this year’s Human Growth and Development Videos.
At first I think, Stop the madness. Can’t my kids just watch Jersey Shore?
But I’m a conscientious mother; and as such, I’ll subject myself to the next set of movies in our district’s Sex-Ed series comprised of films that must’ve been made when I, myself, was a paltry Stage Three.
Two years ago, I previewed Just Around the Corner, the fourth grade girl’s video in which the actress chirping about her ovum sported Jordache jeans and a feathered hairdo to rival every one of Charlie’s Angels. When the reel flickered to a stop, the nurse explained to the audience of moms (and a few miserable dads) that the question girls most commonly ask after the film is this:
“What happens if I menstruate at school?”
She solemnly promised to direct surprise-bleeders to the health office to procure a sanitary napkin. “We inform your daughters that no one will know or care about their changing bodies.”
Puh-lease, I thought. Someone should tell these girls no one says “menstruate” or “sanitary napkin” outside of an instructional video. And if they’re unlucky enough to “cycle” during recess, everyone will know, care, and mock them until college.
I made a mental note to warn my offspring about reality and how it bites; then I braced myself for the fifth-grade boy’s film scheduled for my son’s class.
The background music was reminiscent of She Blinded Me With Science, which was fitting since the cartoon genitals drove me to the edge of hysterical sightlessness. I’d barely begun to imagine prepping my son for the “nocturnal emissions” segment when the nurse informed the parents of the question most commonly asked by the male students:
“How DOES the sperm get to the egg?”
Yes. Even at ten years old, boys want to know how to hook it up.
It’s times like these that I regret not rolling out the whole truth about those pesky birds and bees when my son first questioned me about babies.
“How did you make me, Mommy?” he asked at the tender age of five.
“Well,” I choked. “I have ingredients and daddy has ingredients. And they get mixed up and baked in my tummy oven.” I congratulated myself for this age-appropriate answer but he narrowed his eyes and fixed me with a serious stare.
“How do the ingredients get mixed?”
I gulped twice. And hated myself for being unprepared. “It’s magic,” I said.
My husband – who’d been listening at the door – blurted, “Yeah it is!”
I should’ve known at that moment I’d boarded a bus I couldn’t escape; that I was already engaged in a losing battle against the march of time, the flow of hormones, the slippery slope of growth beyond my control.
I’ve been sliding ever since.
And now my daughter’s a Three and I’m a Five and then what?
Kim Kardashian?
It’s true that motherhood is magic; and I enjoy pulling rabbits out of a figurative hat. But I also find myself reflecting on days when the questions my babies asked were easy:
Where’s my lambie? Why do clouds float? Is Ketchup a fruit?
I long to hear once more, “How much do you love me?” Because that’s an answer I have down cold.
“On a scale of One to Five,” I’d say, “I love you at a Ten.”
And you’re all the magic that I’ll ever need.
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See what I’m saying? Vanguard of Awesome. Go check Julie out at By Any Other Name.
I don't think I will be ready for this. Is it easier with boys?
She is awesome! LOVE this post! And oh-so-true. Imagine being the girl teacher in the boy's viewing….yeah…there weren't enough boy teachers to go around, so I was pegged for that one. Good times.
great post! if they're all as awesome as this, May will be a good month. I mean…we'll miss you?
KLZ ~
Lady, you rock my world – right off the scale of One to Five.
Thanks so much for letting me visit here. And for everything else, too. All of it.
(And I may or may not be wearing Jordache jeans…)
I absolutely love, LOVE Julie! And having a 12 year-old girl walking around the house hovering at a 4 on the puberty scale, I'd have to say that Julie and I need to share a bottle of wine.
Kim Kardashian's got nothin' on us.
What a great post Julie! I laughed, I cried, I cringed! I remember those horrid videos and the shock I experienced when I found out my “cycle” had nothing to do with blue water like the teacher demonstrated.
Yes, how much do you love me – to the moon and back … easy one!
But when my oldest asked about Santa a few years ago and said, 'You would tell me the truth wouldn't you Mommy?'.
I said, “Of course I would' and then lied thro my teeth.
The sex talk was easier …
I pity parents when it comes to this time. I really do.
Incidentally, when my mom was offhandedly giving me “the talk” one random night, she made the mistake of asking me if I had any questions. I pulled out an issue of Parents magazine (because I would truly read anything you put in front of me as a child) and pointed to a word starting with an “o” and ending in “rgasm”. I asked what that meant.
Poor mom.
Julie rocks and this post made me laugh and then quake in my parent of small kids boots. Sex is scary to talk about. And I am nervous about laughing at the videos. I am a bad mother like that.
I got “the talk” with my dad walking into my room, handing me a book, telling me to ask him any questions if I had them, and then walking out.
By that point, I had been introduced to my first Playboy and realized that I enjoyed said magazine immensely, but it was YEARS later that I realized that there was a physical part to sex, and that “looking at the naughty bits” was only a small part of the fun.
That was an awesome post! I cannot imagine the birds and bees talk with my son. Eeek. Think I'll leave that to the husband….
I just love me some Julie. Poignant and funny all at once. If it helps, my sister (the developmental psychologist) just answered a question about this on my blog. She said learning about sex is a gradual process and there is no need to tell kids everything the first time they ask. Also acceptable to say that you want a little bit of time to give them a good answer. So it sounds like you are doing it right.
You did NOT say “Baked in the tummy oven”!!
…did you?
hehehehe. and *snort*
Cause I am five.
Julie, the way you weave words is amazing! I think being funny in writing is the greatest gift and the biggest challenge. So, you're breasts-cupped 5 in my book!
What an awesome (and awesomely funny) post! That's good writing right there. I literally LOL'ed at her husband's response.
The actress who played Annie in the movie version of Annie was the narrator of my sex ed video in 4th grade. Very random.
Julie, first let me say, my daughter was born with boobs bigger than mine. It was disturbing (she's grown out of them but if she takes after her Nana we're in trouble…oh my god, I just referred to my MIL's boobs!)
I am SO not ready to talk about this (the birds and bees part). Can I just ship my kids to you. If you want to use phrases like “hook it up” we're GOLDEN!
Or do you think I could just go the IN YOUR FACE reality route and talk about test tubes?
And your humor, yup, off the charts. Can I be you when I grow up?
And that, my friends, is what you call COMMENT VOMIT! I am a QUEEN of the Blog Porcelain Throne!
I love love love all of you people and your comments.
(vomit included. please. i have never been squeamish about vomit.)
Thanks for making me smile and yes. Feel free to send your kids my way for any and all sex-ed discussions.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Promise.
Yikes I hated those films. I remember the teacher saying we ALL had to write one question on a piece of paper and hand them in and she would read them and answer them (anonymous of course)….
I think I asked about using tampons because I knew ALL about the rest already from my older sister who never could keep her mouth shut about anything even to this day!!
that is all
This is all so awesome! Now I need wine though. Lots of wine to get through it with 3 girls. Also my husband needs more locks without keys.
aww. this is adorable. I remember asking the very same questions. in fifth grade, the class got to ask a question on a slip of paper, and nearly everyone wrote “how does sperm get to the egg?”
but then, practically nobody got their question answered because the staff refused to do that question.
how soon is too soon?
Ooooh, I am SO stealing the “ingredients” explanation.
This makes me think of that book I had when I was little “Where Did I Come From” which I brought to school to share with my first-grader friends at recess one day not long after my baby brother was born.
It also makes me think of my favorite book when I was your daughter's age—Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.
Love this post!
That was awesome! I can totally hear my DH saying your husband's line – Yeah, it is!
My babies are 3 and 1 and I know I can't keep them this little forever, but I'm not ready for 11 and 9….
I love Julie, too! That question about Kim Kardashian was a very good one. I really like how your kids' school lets you screen the videos first. Good move, school. Good move. I am cringing at the thought of talking about these things with my two boys someday. I'll have to come back to you to get some more advice.
My little sister is 16 years younger than me. I'll never forget the day she came and told me everything she had learned about babies coming out of baby holes. I was caught so off guard that I realized I couldn't imagine ever having that conversation with a kid of my own!
WAIT! *record scratch* now am I NOT reading her? Serioulsy…how? Am I following her on Twitter? OMG I am so out of the loop. Hilarious. And terrifying. I'm going to give this one to the Hub when our time comes. Magic. HA!
KLZ, I also envision you slow clapping when her email comes in.
Oh, Julie!
Love it.
Know what else I love?
My three year old doesn't give a hoot how babies are made yet. We'll cross that bridge when someone builds it.
Or something.
In the video, did they refer to the first period as “menarche?”
Apparently, that's what it's called.
Why is that not a more common fact? Because nobody gives a shit.
I'm with you. Stop calling it “menstraution,” teach them about the beauty of tampons and hand out chocolate.
It's a little more true to life.
JULIE!!!! I LOVED this. Might even be your best yet. You are so funny . . . such a natural. Will you please start submitting pieces to McSweeney's and other journals focused on comic writing???
Your description of the videos reminds of the ones I saw 7 years ago about childbirth during the hospital class for new parents-to-be. It was an early 90s or late 80s movie where the woman practicing natural childbirth kept screaming for ice chips. Of course I got an epidural after that.
This is a great post! I love the ending…so sweet.
KLZ, loved your guest post at Mandyland today. Couldn't comment over there for some reason.
Nothing Compares 2 U??? UGH.
I love Julie already!
I hope May works out well for you!
My 11 year old is super excited for the end of the year puberty films. In our district they show them on the last day of school so they don't have to deal with irate parents. So much easier than permission slips or pesky pre-screenings.
Oh my god Julie is totally living my life.
I hate puberty!
this is freaking me out. I am still on the “does God wiggle his bottom” questions.
I'm officially freaked.
And those videos are just so lame. What grade school boy wants to figure out what “nocturnal emissions” means? SPEAK ENGLISH!
It sounds like an environmental problem.
I knew I shouldn't have read this! I have 2 that are going to be doing that same thing in 10 more years. Sigh…
I love this post. Oh how things have changed. 4th grade? When I was in school, things like menstruation weren't addressed until 7th grade, with the film, “You're A Young Lady Now.”
Oh I loved this, as a girl who was Developed young I felt all these feelings and even when being fitted for my wedding dress, my mom empathized with the small Asian *wonderful* seamstress that tried to get her arms around me to measure “Yep, we're not sure where she got them either” wow,….all those 4th grade feelings came back.
what a wonderful piece!!! and told with humor and humanity, good luck!
I'd like to remenisce about my 5th grade “learning” where a MAN teacher had to take part in the health instruction. He said the menstruate as “Men STROO Ate.” To this day, I can only pronounce it as such. Thank GOD my boys will never have to have this discussion with me.
I wish we didn't have to move past the “easy” questions either! My husband is SO handling this with the boys. But we have a girl too. Oh Lord.
Thanks for blazing the trail for us…
Um, I think I'm still at a “4.” At what age is the dream chest suppposed to arrive? (I'm hoping you say late 30's.)
Bwahaha! Menstruate? Sanitary napkin? Oh man. Use those words in school and they will surely be mocked for life!
Awesome Sauce, that's Julie. I would follow her to any blog, but very happy it was this one because it also looks awesome. Win Win!
You always make me laugh and cry, damn you! The stupid Royal Wedding (of all stupid things) got me all emo on the topic of Otto growing up (someday he will be a 5, get married, move away, if I'm dead when that happens I'll kill myself, boo) and now you're rubbing growing up (puberty even!) in my face with science. I'm blinded. and laughing. sending virtual hugs, padded bras, AND corn chips. xoxo
Questioned by my son time and time again. “Mom why don't you stand to pee?” “Girls sit to go pee.” “So pee comes out of your butt?” “No, there's a special place that pee comes out of.” “Your penis?”
Sigh~
I love Julie – she is FAB! And I was rolling at her husband's response “yeah it is!” – HA! Although, really, I got a little uncomfortable at the “slippery slope” part. Gross. We're talking sex ed here. YUCK! Oh, man, I'm so unprepared for this.
At first I think, Stop the madness. Can’t my kids just watch Jersey Shore?
You are brilliant. So funny.
When my four year old asked me about sex, I sputtered something about “Magic Juice” and turned on Dora.
That's parenting.
Oh my, the joys of parenthood.
Great post by Julie. As always.
Julie this is killer!
Would like to report that I graduated high school as a ONE and returned at my 20 year reunion as a FIVE, and so the talk was “When did you buy uour boobies? And how much were they?” Very embarrassing. ANd annoying – since they are mine and they are fabulous.
That said, my 6th grade son appears to be following in my shoes. He is not even on the charts. Poor dude. Gym class is going to be rough.
Hey Julie, thank you for introducing me to this great place. You hang out with all the cool kids.
I don't suppose there was any useful information in those videos like, “don't wear white pants until your 35″ and “there is nothing wrong with an uncircumcised penis, it's just really ugly”.
Julie. I love you at your blog, and I love you here.
You rock. As does your writing.
Missing so much not having girls, aren't I?
Love this post, SO not ready for the topic, though! Wine please?! XO
On a scale of one to five, I'd say I love this post like a 10! I'm also thankful that I've got a daughter at home who is a -4 for puberty and doesn't like boys.