Breastfeeding is hard.
While you’re pregnant you hear 19,000 stories of how terrifying labor is. But people don’t tell you how hard breastfeeding is.
Well, I should back up: no one who actually breastfed tells you how hard it is.
Before I had kids, friends who formula fed admitted how hard it was to breastfeed. How after three days they quit because it was excruciating and exhausting.
Women who breastfed? Told me how glad they were they’d done it. How natural it was, how good for your baby. I assume they were trying to stress the positive things and not dwell on the negatives. Still, they never told me it was hard.
This anomaly leads women to be very naive during pregnancy. They attend a breastfeeding class and think “Gee, I can do that!” They judge their friends who didn’t breastfeed. They assume they were uneducated, undetermined, and without resources. In short, they think women who did not breastfeed are wusses.
And then, when they try it themselves, they have a rude awakening. Breastfeeding is hard.
When I was pregnant, I was on the fence about breastfeeding. I knew all the hype. I knew it was good for my baby. But I also knew my mother hadn’t been able to nurse me for medical reasons. Even without breast milk, I think I turned out just fine, thank you very much.
So I didn’t stress about it. I was then, and still am, a huge supporter of the idea that everyone must do what is best for their family. There is no blanket solution.
Before giving birth, I attended a breastfeeding class. While it was informative, it didn’t provide the secret one-size-fits-all answer to nursing I’d hoped for.
After Alex was born, it was mere minutes before a nurse shoved him onto my breast. She hadn’t asked me if I intended to breastfeed. Or, to be fair, I don’t remember her asking. I do remember being shocked at how readily she pushed me into nursing mode. By all accounts, she was a fabulous nurse, but I wish she’d given me some warning. I also wish she’d shown me how she got him to latch.
Alex did ok…that time. It quickly became apparent that he was hungry all the time. It was also apparent that, like his parents, he had no patience. If he did not immediately get milk he would scream. Inconsolable screams. In the end, if I could not get him latched within ten seconds, he would prefer to scream for ten minutes rather than even attempt to latch again.
Ah, but I had taken a breastfeeding class! I knew what to do! Without hesitation, I asked for the hospital’s lactation consultant to visit us as I had been instructed to do in class.
This consultant did not solve our issue. All she did was make me feel bad. She questioned every single choice I’d made in my 36-hour parenting tenure. She left me deflated.
Still, I pressed on. What I lack in patience I make up for in stubbornness. And cheapness. I really didn’t want to pay for formula.
We struggled. For weeks. I tried everything. In the end, I had to resort to pumping and feeding him breast milk from a bottle. I figured, for the time being, at least I would keep my supply up while I continued to try to nurse.
Alex’s first pediatrician appointment was required to be within 3 days of his birth. The only doctor available was not our primary. We had no choice but to see him. When I told him of my temporary breast milk in a bottle solution, he clucked his tongue at me.
“That’s not acceptable. You need to get him actually nursing immediately.”
I was crushed.
I thought that since I was still getting the milk into him while we worked on it that I was making the best of a bad situation. Everyone I spoke to who was pro-breastfeeding seemed to think differently.
We kept trying. I read articles and books, sought answers from our physicians. It got better, then worse, better, then worse. We oscillated.
I was exhausted and about to quit. My sole comfort came from Lemon Gloria, who had had a baby a few weeks before me, and admitted that nursing him was akin to rubbing her nipples on the sidewalk.
My saving grace came one day when Alex lay in my lap sipping a bottle of breastmilk. I set up the breastpump so we could multi-task. Suddenly, a lightbulb went on over his tiny head. He dropped the bottle and opened his mouth as wide as he could, indicating he wanted the milk from me. He no longer wanted the pump stealing his milk.
He finally wanted to go directly to the source.
I heaved a sigh of relief. We then successfully nursed until 14 months.
But I have to say, that was mostly luck. All of it was mostly luck.
Did I work for it? Yes.
Did I ask for help? Yes.
In the end, for us, it was worth it. After we finally got going I was thrilled not to have to wash bottles or pack food. The food was with us as long as Alex was with me which was a blessing I can’t count. When David was diagnosed with meningitis, my relief at Alex having extra immunities was palpable.
But I never really felt supported. I had only wanted someone to say “You’re doing great, this just takes time. Good for you for keeping at it.” But I never felt that these pro-breastfeeding advocates acknowledged that it can be hard. They just continued to tell me that I had to breastfeed.
I think it would be helpful if we acknowledged that it’s difficult. I think it would make many mothers feel less guilty; question themselves less.
Recently, when a friend was pregnant, she told me how dedicated she was to breastfeeding. I took a deep breath and said, “Well, if that’s really how strongly you feel there’s something you should know. Breastfeeding is hard.”
I doubted those words for weeks. Perhaps no one says them because they’re not helpful. But I truly wished someone had said them to me.
When that friend brought her baby home? He wouldn’t latch. And she knew she had someone to turn to when she felt she’d never get it right. Hopefully, she felt a little bit less alone.
That was all I had really wanted. I hope it helped her too.
So, for better or worse, I’m saying it.
Breastfeeding is hard.
Definitely hard. ANd I failed. I developed bleeding lesions on both sides and had to use a steroid cream. I pushed myself. They pushed me. The girls were preemies and apparently preemies are notoriously bad at latching, and they fall asleep at the wheel constantly (hence all the on again/off again and then the lesions). Lesions were slow to heal. I was a stressed out, exhausted mother with two babies. I resorted to pumping and feeding from a bottle. It was too much for me. I tell every new mom I meet how hard it was for me, but I am also sure to say that the few times it did work was the most incredible thing/feeling and I was sad it didn't pan out for us…..
Totally agree. I was fortunate to have a sister and several friends who were really honest about breastfeeding. It IS hard. And it hurts. And there are times you want to give up and say EFF IT Here's a bottle. But it's also worth it.
Awww sweetie… this breaks my heart!! Yes, I struggled (BIG TIME) with my first but I was blessed to find support and REAL help. And let me tell you, it did NOT come from doctors! I make a call into a La Leche League leader that truly saved my nursing relationship.
I am SOOOOO impressed with how hard you worked to keep nursing!!! WOW!
To all preggie mamas, this does NOT have to typical! Breastfeeding classes are nice and all, but please don't discount going to La Leche League meetings. You get support and education, watch other moms nurse… It's great!
I didn't breastfeed either of my kids and I have no guilt about it. Thank goodness I wasn't all hooked up to the internetz during my pregnancies or I would have felt all kinds of pressure and guilt over this.
This is such a great post because, you are right, it is hard and no one wants to admit it. I had a long, love-hate, well only hate, relationship with the pump with the triplets and then finally was able to nurse my youngest but it was never easy and everyone acted like it should be. Everyone also failed to mention that breastfed moms do not sleep because you are basically a constant dripping, food supply of a faucet.
Love that you decided to talk about this.
You are so right! Definitely don't think i got a lot of help either and it was frustrating…
It is so very hard. I so sorry you didn't get the support from the people who should have been more helpful. I remember crying and my toes curling in pain the first several weeks every time she latched on. And then one day it stopped hurting. When people ask me about it, I try to be brutally honest and still supportive.
You handled a difficult and controversial subject with great delicacy and class. Great job.
Trying to BF was the single most difficult period of my life, bar none. More positive support from t the professional community would have helped so much. It was only my husband, telling me to give myself permission to formula feed full time, that I wasn't a failure, that saved me from catapulting headlong into PPD.
Breastfeeding is SOSOSOSOSO hard! So many hours of me and baby, alone, doubting each other and doubting ourselves. So much alone and so much doubt. So hard.
It is hard. And although I breastfed both kids, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding. No one mentioned that either. Bond schmond.
you are right! i totally agree if lactation consultants, etc, were frank about it being hard AND how you need to give it the ol' college try for a couple weeks, things would be so different for so many women. But it's hard to get started and to understand HOW the latching thing works. And moms with a teeny tiny screaming baby who they can't figure out how to feed, are very willing to toss the boob aside and go for the bottle.
It's funny because even though I didn't breastfeed either girl for more than a few weeks, I did get the latching thing down. But then, I always seem to be the oddball with things. alas…
With my first we used a shield. With my second she had bad reflux (she would toss up pretty much everything after feedings). My most stressful times with my babies involved nursing. Thankfully things are better with the second, though she is 15 months now-I'm ready to stop, but she isn't.
No doubt, it is hard!
It was hard! Cracked and bleeding are not two words you want to say when speaking of your boobehs. Lanolin cream was my saving grace. Also really good lactation consultants. I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with your consultant. I'm so glad it worked out well for you.
It isn't for everyone. I encountered some very judgy lacto ladies who thought less of anyone who didn't breastfeed or anyone who pumped (horrors!). You were sweet to share your knowledge with your friend and make her experience better.
Breastfeeding sucked for my wife, at least for the first week or two. It didn't help that so many people were telling her, “It shouldn't hurt if you're doing it right,” i.e., YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!
Great thing is, for D2, it's been a breeze.
This is a great post! Breastfeeding didn't work for us. Even though I swore through my whole pregnancy I would. When my son was born the delivery was long and hard on both of us. He spent his 1st 24hours in the NICU and came to us having already had at least 1/2 a dozen bottles. After meeting with a bunch of lactation consultants and lots of crying-from both of us. We gave up. I pumped and supplemented for a few months so he could at least get something, but I can not tell you the sense of peace I felt when I just let go. Jack was a happier baby and I was a happier mommy. Like you said, I think it's what's works best for each family and I think as women we should support each other on whatever that is!!
Oh breastfeeding is TERRIBLY HARD. I was so lucky, we have a whole dr's office dedicated to breastfeeding. I cried so much over trying to breastfeed. It took 4 months but I finally go the hang of it. After supplementing, using a shield, using a bottle, a milk allergy, acid reflux, and weekly weight checks b/c he wouldn't eat. I now tell all my friends that it is HARD, and totally worth it.
I second Pop's comment. Hearing people tell you that you were doing it wrong because it hurt so badly was like pouring salt on open wounds.
It IS hard. But really rewarding if you find your groove. I think that's why it was so hard for me to wean both of my kids. Just when I was getting a rhythm down, they wanted to go off and start eating steak.
I tell everyone I'm coaching during their pregnancy/labour/birth that breastfeeding is hard (and even the pregnant people I know I'm not coaching). I actually say stuff like “you've read the books, you know what to do. The baby hasn't read the books and needs to learn. It's hard and being patient is even harder.”
Medical pro-breast feeding people put too much pressure on new mothers. I honestly think that's half the problem. And please nurse lady, for the love of Maude, don't grab my nipples without asking, k, thanks?
My first son took awhile to learn to breastfeed. My daughter was formula fed. My third child latched on within five minutes of his birth and didn't let go until it was time to wean. I tell people my third child is not a good example.
Yup.
I didn't want to go past 3 months (the same amount of time I was breastfed – um, apparently the appropriate amount of time to breastfeed a genius thank you very much) but we ended up going for fifteen months.
The whole thing is a total head trip and not easy in the slightest.
Man that was a long post and no I didn't read the entire thing. Yes it's hard and fuck those bastards that “force” you to do it. Yes it's helpful for development but to each his own, right?
Wife did it for an entire year. God bless her. BF the kid that is.
It IS hard. And when you add work, medical conditions, the absence of other nursing women who SHARE (a condition that DOES exist in cultures where prolonged breast-feeding is typical) it is a huge struggle that is conveniently swept under the rug.
And the advantages of breastfeeding -while certainly present – are inflated (inaccurately so, shown in many studies) SO much that moms who don't/can't feel like they are condemning their children to ill health and low IQ's.
UGH!
Good for you for being honest. Good for you for sharing. All women should hear, “Try. It's good for you and good for the baby if you can. But do not grieve of feel like a failure if your very best efforts don't quite work. It will all be okay.”
Because it will.
PS – What a clever baby Alex is to understand going straight to the source.
From a first-time pregnant mama, thank you for this post. I am going to give breastfeeding my total all, but I am going into it with my eyes wide open. It's one of the things I'm most scared about, actually, but I'm trying not to get too worked up about it just yet. I remember one of my best friends calling me several days after being home from the hospital with her newborn and just breaking down. She was so stressed about it and they were having such a hard time. They finally figured it out and she nursed her son for several years, but I still remember that stressed call. She worked HARD to get where she was. I do have a good support group and I fully intend to rely on them.
Amen and amen.
I used to cry — literally — when they (yes, it never got better, even by #4) would latch on for the first several *months*. The pain was excruciating. And yep, I saw the lac consultants and other experts to confirm it was all good — all good except the breast stabbing pain.
(Yay — another one for redheads. Apparently b'feeding is more painful for the fair skinned types, too.)
I tell every pregnant woman who will listen — in a very gentle way — that b'feeding was the hardest, best thing I've ever done. Combined with PPD, or lack of sleep, or difficult births or….difficult b'feeding makes the new mother thing that much harder.
But I guess nothing good comes easy, right?
Love your honesty.
And while reading the part about how no one told you it was hard, I think that's because some think people will automatically quit if that is said, you know, use it as an “easy out”… But it IS hard, I know from experience myself.
I have three kids and only one exclusively nursed successfully. He just seemed to “get it” whereas I had to pump with the other two and they never latched. And with the one that did nurse? I got a nasty bout of Mastitis – ha!
It's heart-breaking when you are told so much that it's what you are “supposed” to be doing and it just doesn't work or you are in pain or exhausted. I know.
I'm sure your friend was also thankful for your honesty.
It is hard. And not knowing that is part of what made me quit trying with my first child after six weeks. It wasn't until my 4th child that I was determined enough to do it and had the right kind of support. The kind that said I will support you in your efforts to keep trying and I will support you if you choose to not do it anymore. It was worth all the pain and difficulty, but I had to be ready to fight through that. I hate that feeding our children has become such a divisive issue.
The part about rubbing your nipples on the sidewalk? That's real life.
You're darn tootin' that breastfeeding is hard.
I am so flattered that I was helpful! It is hard, and you really have to force yourself to stick with it, if that's what you want to do. our hospital lactation consultants were so unhelpful, and J dropped so much weight in the hospital that our pediatrician made us come in at day one, day three, and then at one week to make sure he was actually gaining. I was trying and trying with the boobs plus giving him formula, and I felt like the biggest loser failure ever.
And I'd forgotten all that till I read your post. I need to remember if I ever go through this again, so I can be prepared: it is hard.
Breastfeeding is so hard.
I remember those early days with Katie…the way my nipples just bled and bled. When she would prepare to latch, I had to breathe deeply and brace myself for the incredible pain.
I remember reaching out to the lactation specialist and hearing her superior tone. I wasn't trying to give up, but she treated me as though I was weak and uncommitted. I just wanted reassurance. I wanted to know that what I was feeling was normal and that I was doing everything in my power to establish our nursing relationship. She was curt, cold, and completely devoid of human emotion.
Katie finally established a good latch and we were doing well. Then I got mastitis, yet another thing no one wants to tell you about. I was pretty sure I was going to die.
We made it through, thank goodness, and went on to nurse until Katie was 21 months (I wanted to make it to 24 months, but she was totally stiff arming me!).
When Matthew came along, I knew what to expect. I knew just how bad it could be. So, I was more relaxed about it, knowing that we'd get through.
I got mastitis again and worked through it, knowing that it was a bump in the road, not a roadblock.
I wish that our lactation specialist could have seen past her own issues to help guide me through those early days with Katie. Empowering mothers so that they can feed their babies should be the only thing that matters to them.
I was lucky. My friends who had breastfed DID tell me it was hard. Really hard. They told me everything you are writing about. So I was prepared. They also told me if I wanted to do it, to give it a month before I gave up. That's how long they said it would be before I had any idea what I was doing.
Everything they said was right. The lactation consultant at the hospital? Gave us TERRIBLE advice. I was able to succeed IN SPITE of her, rather than because of her. And succeed I did. SB nursed for her first year. It was worth it. I'm glad I did it. But you are 100% right my friend. Breastfeeding may be a natural thing, but it does not come naturally at all.
I am SO glad you posted this and I will point any first time pregnant woman I know here.
You were courageous not to give up and you were brave to share your experiences with us.
I think many women still mysticize pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, motherhood and don't properly prepare the newbies for the experience. Like being a MOTHER (not just a bearer of children, mind you) is part of an elite club.
Kudos to you. I know you struggled with posting this and I applaud you for doing just that!
And yes, breastfeeding SUCKED for us for the first 3 months. And I'm so not looking forward to the first few months with this next child, but at least I'll be prepared. And will think of you!
What a brave post and so so true!! That is one of the first things I tell people when they ask me about breastfeeding. It is hard. It is not a picnic. It is not alwasy “natural.” Sometimes it feels anything but. I had so much drama with both of my boys and in the end it was worth it, but I struggled. And it is not fair for anyone to treat women like they deserve to struggle. I feel really sad knowing that you struggled so much and that no one patted you on the back and said, “It's okay. You don't have to do this if you don't want to.” And esp your dr. who made you feel bad for pumping. Crazytalk!! Pumping + feeding is like having twins. So much work. He should have commended you for tying so hard, not made you feel crappy. Tell me who he is. I'll give him the mommy smackdown.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I am really glad you wrote this! This is a story that needs to be told. And women need to be informed. Breastfeeding can be very very hard. And support is not always there or what you had expected it to be. People need to be tolerant and supportive of each other. What good does it do if we crush each other to the ground?
And I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this yet: but my favorite benefit of breastfeeding? Boob size. Though sadly, I didn't get to enjoy them personally (they were reserved for the babies use), but I sure as heck did admire them from afar. Kinda like that hot girl in high school, who you know you'd never, ever have a chance with. But that doesn't stop you from looking and wondering wistfully, “What if…”
Oh, dear lord…what an awesome post! No one told me either. I just assumed that it was the natural thing to do & it would be no problem, right? Hmph.
No one told me it would hurt either. I cried every time I nursed Boo for about the first 4-6 weeks. It was excruciating.
In retrospect, I don't think we had the “latch” thing totally down. But I also had a lactation consultant. All she did was forcibly (and very roughly) stuff my boob into Boo's mouth. No explanation, no nothing. Just *STUFF*
…and I was a good DD by the time Boo was born…so that was a significant amount of stuffing.
I'm amazed at how unsupportive lactation consultants (and even other mothers) can be.
I nursed Boo exclusively for 6 months…then I couldn't keep up with him & we started supplementing with formula. At 9 months? He wanted nothing to do with nursing & I just couldn't pump enough anymore to make it worth it.
If there's a “next” kid? At least I'll have an idea what to expect going into it…
I breastfed each of my daughters.
My first daughter was incredibly hard to breastfeed. Incredibly hard. She latched poorly, I bled, I cracked, I got mastitis not once but three times, I was in pain, I was swollen, and I was miserable. It was way way hard. Even when we settled into a groove, it was not comfortable or natural or easy.
My second daughter was easy. Everything about nursing her was easy.
Although she did snort and snuffle like a loud baby pig when she ate. A really loud baby pig. Making public nursing pretty much impossible.
Good times.
Honestly?
As proud as I was to nurse both daughters?
I was so happy to stop nursing.
Both times.
Yep.
Good for you for writing this! Having adopted both of my kids, I didn't breastfeed. Truth be told, had we decided to have bio kids, I'm not sure I would have. My knowledge and exposure back then was very limited.
I think it's so important for women to support each other and share honestly — you should be very proud of yourself for writing this.
“I was then, and still am, a huge supporter of the idea that everyone must do what is best for their family. There is no blanket solution.” –>> Amen!!
Don't jump on me, but…for me it was not hard. I was SUPER worried it would be awful because of everything my girlfriends told me about mastitis, etc. but it just clicked for Boo Boo and me.
Getting pregnant WAS hard…but somehow the rest of it was uncomplicated for me.
Although I HATED pumping. I had to pump when I went back to work and I HATED that. That was hard for me.
Just because something is natural, doesn't mean it's easy.
When I worked for the newspaper I wrote a story about my struggles – and other women's struggles. You would not believe the nasty comments I got.
The thing is, not all lactation consultants are created equally, so if you get a good one, it can make all the difference. Same if you get a bad one.
There is a SHIT TON of pressure to breast feed in our society, yet we are not a society which supports breastfeeding (6 weeks of maternity leave, not all states require a separate private room for pumping and a refrigerator to story the milk, etc.). I mean, that people are offended by those nursing in public is enough to deter some women.
We shouldn't be judging each other. We should be supporting.
Amen! I breastfed my son for a month…I was only able to do it for that long because I was going back to school & work, but everyone had told me that even breastfeeding for a short time was good for him. However, I don't remember feeling some wonderful connection to my son or that we bonded or anything like that. What I remember is how sore I was and how much it hurt.
I think you are right though. People need to be less pressured by these lactation nazi's (that's what the one at my hospital was called by EVERYONE) and do what is best for them. My sister breastfed her first child…but didn't her second. It wasn't right for him. He did so much better on the bottle. And quite honestly, he's a year old and has been sick very little in his one year. As in, he's had maybe one virus. Of course, he's not in public daycare…so that helps. But, still. It was the best thing for him. If I have more children I will most certainly try it again, because I know that it is good for my baby…but I refuse to feel guilty if I quit because it's just not working for us.
And BTW, I thought pumping and bottle feeding was a good solution. And I would've told you that if I had known you then!
I wish I could read all the comments above. You're right – breastfeeding IS hard, and having the right amount of support is probably just as important as having the milk to feed your baby.
R&C were preemies, so they weren't even born with the instinct to breastfeed or the ability to suck, swallow, and breathe all at once. So we had to slowly teach it to them in the NICU, and even after coming home, it was a tough road. Every day I said I wanted to give up, but around 4 months they finally got it, and we continued until a little over a year (with some supplemental formula). It was hard, and I even saw an independent LC after we came home, which was well worth it. When I had #3, she came out ready to nurse, and it was the easiest thing I have ever done. My heart ached reading about how you didn't have the support system you needed, but I'm glad you are able to turn that around and support others you know who need it.
HARD doesn't begin to describe how hard it is…and if you're head and heart aren't in it, it's nearly impossible. And it's always a bit painful.
I'm so glad I took a breastfeeding class before I had Tater, otherwise, I probably would've given up.
And as much as I tried with the twins, I only got about 8 weeks. The stress and time was too much for me to handle. I pumped as long as I could, and finally realized I needed to give them formula. And there was nothing wrong with that decision.
I struggle with what to say to pregnant women about breastfeeding.
I still have nightmares about it. It was hard, it was torture, I did it for a year because I was committed (read that stubborn and slightly crazy)and I hated every minute of it.
I felt unsupported the entire time, yet I felt bullied and guilted and pressured to keep doing it the entire year.
I had severe postpartum depression, and honestly I think that the breastfeeding exasperated it. It didn't help that I never could successfully pump, which meant that there was never a break for me or a choice to let my husband do just one feeding.
I know that it is natural, and it is healthy, and it is much cheaper than formula….but it is hard!!
It IS hard for a frist time mommy. No doubt about it. I remember those first weeks with Jason were so difficult. But like you I plugged along and waited for that lightbulb moment.
And it happens. In addition to giving the info that it IS hard I also like to give the advice that with some patience and persistance, it happens. And becomes a win win for all.
I think it's the lack of patience, confidence and anxiety that gets the best of some new moms, which is totally understandable.
Your next go around, your confidence will take you far.
That SUCKS that you didn't have anyone encouraging or helping. I can't beleive that dr! “What I lack in patience I make up for in stubbornness. And cheapness. I really didn't want to pay for formula.” – ha! But quite frankly that says a lot about you for sticking with it. I was really lucky. The breastfeeding class I took was a couple of weeks before I was due. My DH didn't want to go (What does that have to do with me? He thought. If only we'd known how much he'd have to help me since I had a C-section.) The class was not great. It was ok, but it gave the basic information about how it works and what to do. Nothing about the gazillion issues you can have, how to handle them, who to go to when you need help. What helped me to prepare the most was The Complete Book of Breastfeeding by Marvin S. Eiger and Sally Wendkos Olds. The first few chapters are pretty much just anatomy, but after that, so much good information! It actually prepared me for much more struggle than I had. Then the pediatrician we have has a lacatation consultant on staff. The one at the hospital? Eh, she was ok. But the day I got home from the hospital, the one from the ped's office called and asked how things were going. She also sold pumps and I told her I didn't know if I wanted to buy one or not, so she said I could rent one for a week to see what I thought. I had a hard time getting S latched the first couple of weeks, but once we figured it out, it was pretty smooth sailing. That's not to say it didn't hurt like a bitch for 2 more months. After that, it was a little twinge when she'd latch on, and then fine. But my kids both weened themselves around 6 months.
I would have liked to done it for a year, but I was glad I was able to do it as long as I was. I tell all my friends who are expecting that they need to read that book, and that it is really hard, not to feel like a failure if they have trouble, and ask for help as long as they need to because it is hard. Incredibly hard. But also, like most things in parenting, totally worth it. (Exiting soapbox now.)
It's hard. But you kept going.
I agree that some people can't breastfeed for medical reasons… but I also would argue that many people quit too early and easily. If I really thought about it, my son screamed and arched his back 70% of the time in the first 4 weeks.
Most people would've quit. But I was determined (and cheap). I know other women who just quit because they didn't want to deal with it.
I agree that we need to be more understanding… but only if we all agree to be honest. I had a friend who admitted that she didn't breastfeed because she was lazy and selfish. I give her props for honesty. Just sayin'
I love you so hard. love you for telling the honest truth. for talking about what no one wants to talk about.
frankly, I've not had to think much about this issue. if I get pregnant, I'll have to. obviously. but being adopted, I wasn't breastfed and I'm brilliant.
when my best friend had her son, she chose not to breastfeed and all her other friends threw a royal fit. but you know, it seems to me like something like that is intensely personal. it's not child abuse if you don't breastfeed or you pump. it's child abuse when you beat your child. why don't we know the difference?
It's funny how each person has one person who sort of “inspires” them to continue breastfeeding. You're mine and I hope I can do that for some other Mama.
Sitting in tears while my baby screams at me because he refuses to latch and suck isn't the ideal circumstance for breast feeding that I expected. And no, no one but you told me it was hard. well, a friend at work did but I guess I figured it couldn't be THAT hard.
it totally is THAT hard. But I also am so glad that I was able to continue because it is really amazing once you get into it. It's second nature now and every time I can just pop him on instead of warm up a bottle, I am so thankful we stuck with it.
Freaking hard!! I tell anyone who'll listen. It's a huge disservice to not tell the truth. I know so many moms who stopped nursing bc it hurt. Yeah, it hurts, you'll cry and it really sucks. But then it will be awesome.
You really need to have your wits about you as a new mom bc those folks on the maternity floor will boss you.
I also want to add that I also feel a little smug because my mother in law couldn't give him a bottle while she was in. That was while we were still pumping and bottle feeding and I wouldn't let it happen — I said I felt like I should be the only one who feeds him the bottle until he gets it, just so he knows where the goods were coming from.
I thought the same things you did. Why did no one tell me how hard it was?! I now make it a point to tell my first time mommy friends just how hard it is and offer myself for questions and support. I think all of us who have breastfed need to really support the new mommies and be there to encourage them!
Great post!
I chose not to BF either of my kids and still stick by my decision. I gave it a go for the first 36 hrs but it didn't work for us. I was brought to tears and each nurse bullied me.
I got so much flack for it but I stand tall and would make the same decision again. To each their own!
Good for you! It is hard…
Breastfeeding is hard. Really facking hard to be exact. I hated every single minute of it. Not sure if it had something to do with my postpartum depression or the fact that I had an allergic reaction to the epidural that made my entire body like a walking hive…but I just didn't like it. I actually breastfed well and had tons of milk and my son latched like a pro…but still, it wasn't for me.
I am so glad that you also hold the value that whatever works for you and your family is the right choice. More women need to hear this.
Oh chick! I wish I would have known you then. Not only would I have given you an “atta girl” but I could have told you that breastfeeding is friggin' hard.
My experiences with my babies were two polar extremes. With my son, I exclusively pumped for ten months. The light bulb never went on.
When I read your experience with your doctor, I growled. No. Really. I growled. How DARE he not support you? EP-ing is one of the toughest things a new mom can do and any woman who is dedicated enough to do it deserves a medal of honor, a ticker tape parade AND free Godiva chocolate FOR LIFE.
I'm so, so sorry you didn't have the support of girlfriends to ease you through. I was the first of my friends to try to breastfeed. I know how alone it feels.
When I had my daughter, she did beautifully. But it was still painful. My nipples bled – no ONE had told me that – and I still needed help. Fortunately, three years brought me a group of women who successfully breast fed and those women saved my boobs. Seriously.
I sat at the pool while the kids took lessons and they grouped around me, checking my latch, telling me I was doing great and giving me tips and tricks.
I wish that every new mom received that sort of support.
So right! I like your perspective. I breastfed both of my sons for a year. With my second, I remember my boobs HURT at first. It was hard & could see why people might give up. You made some great points!
I will never understand why people spend so much time questioning one another's decisions rather than just trying to be supportive and helpful.
My friend used to BITCH AND MOAN at me NONSTOP to breastfeed. And I didn't want to because I knew it would be hard. And I wasn't a mommy yet so I didn't know what I was talking about.
Anyway. Turns out, karma kicked me in the face because when my babies were born? I couldn't breast feed.
And I totally tell everyone they should if they want to but they don't HAVE to.
All of my friends have chosen breast feeding and all of them have been very upfront with how difficult it is. It's been very helpful for the new mom's to hear and I'm sure you'll help many more by sharing your story!
Bravo for you! For this post and for persevering.
I think it's terrible that no one congratulated you for being so dedicated that you'd pump and bottle feed. That's outstanding in my book!
I love that you wrote this. It IS hard, and I think unless you've experienced some of the downsides (like that whole nipple-on-cement thing) you just don't get it.
In the end, Alex is happy and healthy and you did what was best for your family. But wow, you sure didn't get the help and honesty that I would hope a new mom would get these days.
Oh, tell me about it.
BFing?
Almost made me lose my mind.
Actually, it did.
I know it's why I went into the worst 10 wks of PPD I wouldn't even wish on my enemy.
It was awful.
He wouldn't latch, he'd scream, he was always hungry. He'd nurse for 10 hrs straight.
I lost my mind.
But, A very kind lactation consultant came to my home. For 50 dollars an hour, she just listened, and watched, and encouraged. And I think that's all I needed.
So I went to 15 mons, with him, and 2 years with #2, and to 3 yrs with #3.
Thank God we stopped with the kids, or I'd be nursing an 8 yr old right now.
AWESOME POST KLZ!
I made it to about 15 months with Finn and I considered that a miracle because in those first few days I wanted to give up. And I felt like a failure.
Part of my problem, that I didn't know until much much later was that because I have PCOS, I also have supply issues. All of the consultants just told me to build my supply never taking into considerationt that there was a legitimate reason I couldn't. Not for lack of trying.
So I supplemented and continued to breastfeed him at every opportunity and I let go of the 'failure' feeling. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
First off, had we I known you, I would have given you a HUGE hats off. I commend your tirelessness in making sure he received breast milk. I do happen to think you pumping and giving it to him in the bottle was better than the alternative.
And I agree completely…it is hard. Really hard. Even when the latch is a little easier, the pain is not. I told all my friends that the first week is nearly unbearable. I had to clench my teeth each time the baby would latch on. My nipples were blistered and cracked, and my boobs were engorged. Yep. A regular freakin party. But like you (though with a lot less trouble), I pressed on and nursed both of mine until they were between 13 and 14 months.
This post is awesome. I think that we as mothers have a duty to realistically illustrate how fucking hard mothering is.
Good for your for speaking your truth. Of course breastfeeding is hard, why would anyone deny that? Silly people. As for an awesome resource that tell it like it is, check out http://www.bestforbabes.org/
I had a male lactation consultant in the hospital. He advised me to massage each breast (much like milking a cow) while breastfeeding to avoid mastitis. I was terrified of mastitis so I milked myself like a cow for eight weeks until I had to stop breastfeeding to take medication. Only breastfeeding for 8 weeks seemed like a huge failure in my life for about three years.
What I've learned in all of this is that we're kind of messed up about the breast is best message. And what the heck is a dude doing working as a lactation consultant?
Breastfeeding is hard. A beautiful art, sure. But hard.
FYI? I just love this.
I couldn't breastfeed without a breast shield. It sucked. every second. But it was free and I was hoping I would lose weight. But when that didn't happen and my kid just struggled with the freakin shield, I gave up. And we're both just fine.
Anyway.
Love this.
Honesty isn't easy.
I believe Universe seeks balance.
I wasn't able to nurse my first. Or feed him a bottle even. Or food from a jar even. His nourishment came in the form of a machine that pushed food into a tube in his belly for his first five years.
My second? Jumped on my boob the second she came out of me. She nursed for fifteen minutes at a time and then slept four solid hours. I got more rest with her little newborn self than I did when I was pregnant with her.
My first baby put me through Hell. Everything about my second was the easiest thing in the world.
Balance. My favorite.
Thank you SO much for being honest! I got SO tired of everyone telling me it was 'easy'. It's not, until you and baby figure it out. And there is no “one size fits all”. Off to follow you so that I can keep up with your posts!
Brea
Thank you SO much for being honest! I got SO tired of everyone telling me it was 'easy'. It's not, until you and baby figure it out. And there is no “one size fits all”. Off to follow you so that I can keep up with your posts!
Brea
wow, just found this post. It is HARD to BF. I had three kids and each one had different styles of nursing and different problems.
What helped me most? My sister and three friends who were all BF moms. They were the ones who helped me.
They were the ones that said, yeah it hurts at first, but just keep changing nursing positions so the stress on the nipple is not in the same place. It will get better after a week or so.
Let's be a community that supports instead of judging.
If I had given birth to my daughter first? I would have quit BF. She was so difficult. Luckily with my firstborn son, it was easier so I was willing to keep trying with my daughter.
Great Post
Great post!
It's really that simple: Breastfeeding is hard.
I gave up after six weeks. It was just too painful. I felt like a huge failure, but I wasn't producing and my son was a hungry hippo.
Looking back, I wish I had tried harder, stuck with it longer and sought more help. Maybe with the second one I will.
Thanks for writing this and sharing your experience.
Hi, I just found your blog and have been nosing around… I loved this post, I actually wrote a similar one recently if you're interested: http://moomser.blogspot.com/2010/10/breastfeeding-is-fing-hard.html
Unbelievable how we survived for thousands of years!
Off to nose around some more! Happy to meet ya!
Amen! I was never able to get my two latched on. I pumped exclusively for both. The last one I pumped for a year. And NO ONE mention or for that matter believed that it hurt like hell. Stabbing, needle pains…and La Leche League, hospital …no help. One nurse helped, I asked for her again- off duty. I think my children “breastfed” once. I was exhausted, alone, unaided and lied to by the “breastfeeding crowd” – we do the best we can.
Maybe it's because people forget it was hard at first like they forget the pain of delivery? I remember thinking with my second it was going to be easy because I had already done it once, but I was surprised it was just as hard.
But then by the time by the time he got to be a few months old, all I could really see how much of a hassle all that formula stuff looks like. An entire babyhood of having to drag around all that stuff (not to mention sanitize it and wash it and buy it) seemed like much more work than a couple months of misery.
I'm sorry you didn't get good support.
I think, you know, that this problem will be less so in another generation. My mom didn't nurse my brother or me. So while she was a big help everywhere else, that's really the person who SHOULD be teaching the moms all this stuff – their moms. Yet we skipped like an entire generation or so of nursing in favor of bottles. So now instead we've got an entire generation of grandmothers encouraging new moms to just give it up & bottle feed like they did.