I recently mommy vomited on a pregnant co-worker.
By which I mean, I found myself saying things that would terrify those who are not parents. And I was completely unable to stop myself. Every time I said something I thought was obvious, just a fact, I’d replay it in my head and find that if someone had told that to me before I’d had Alex, I would have been furious.
But I couldn’t seem to stop it. I just kept vomiting up mommy facts. I mommy-vomited.
It had never happened to me before. I had no idea what the signs or symptoms were.
And, really, I’d like to think it’s happened to all of us. You’re casually talking to a non-mom when suddenly you realize they are staring at you in disgust. Because you’re talking about poop. In detail. AND YOU HADN’T EVEN REALIZED IT WAS WEIRD.
And here’s where it gets tricky. To you, it wasn’t weird. Which is why you couldn’t stop yourself from saying it.
It wasn’t weird to say “babies only sleep 2-3 hours at a time” because, well, babies only sleep 2-3 hours at a time.
Except when I think of my pregnant self hearing that, I realize she’d think “why do you have to be so negative? why can’t you let me have a little bit of hope? If I can’t avoid it, why dwell on the negative?”
In the case of my personal bout of mommy vomit, I blame the pregnant lady.
Because I’ve known her for 6 or 7 years now. And she spent her entire pregnancy glaring at me and saying “Why didn’t you tell me this about pregnant? Why didn’t you warn me?”
And I’d smile serenely and say “Because you don’t want me to tell you everything that’s coming at you. If I did, you’d be horrified. And thus, mad at me.”
But then, out of nowhere, at her baby shower I exploded with mommy facts. And I vomited them up at her. Even though she and her fiance were clearly thrown, I could not stop stepping on baby-related mines. It was like a disease I didn’t know I had been infected with.
I apologized as soon as it was over. She giggled nervously and said “I guess you were just trying to keep it real. I didn’t expect it all to be awesome.”
And I almost corrected her. To let her know that it IS all awesome. Sure, in some ways I hate that I’m not all that fazed by poopy diapers. I was not and am not a fan of waking in the night. But having a kid? Awesome. So awesome. So worth it.
But I couldn’t explain it to her…just like I can’t really warn her about what’s coming. Because it’s unexplainable.
And I realized that in trying to explain it I’d probably scare her more.
I mean, you tell me.
If I’d said “Being a mom is awesome. Sure, I’ve been vomited on and someone’s had diarrhea on me and I’ve cleaned poop out of the tub and I’m never truly well rested anymore….but you should see him stick out his TONGUE!” to you would you have been scared to pop that baby out?
I would have.
I do hope they make an anecdote for mommy vomit. Because thinking this disease may last for the rest of my life is by far the worst thing I can think of about motherhood.
LOL! I agree!! It's a terrible disease… and so hard to control! And now that I know that it has a name I may be better able to control it (maybe)!
I'm glad there's a name for it, “Mommy Vomit”. Hee.
I just mommy vomited on the mother of a newborn. “Just wait until the 4 month sleep regression! I have post traumatic stress syndrome just thinking back on it! He screamed for two weeks straight!”
I couldn't stop myself! It was horrible. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!
Ha! I am so glad to have a name for that, because, yes, I've done it. And I've been vomited on…
When I was pregnant my cousin said, “The first two weeks are HELL. But then it starts to get better and you'll actually like the baby, not just love him.” I thought that was the rudest thing to say to a pregnant woman. During those first couple hellish weeks, though, I kept remembering her words and how she promised that it would all get better and that it was worth it. Her words got me through some long nights!
So I guess a little Mommy Vomit is not a bad thing.
I still struggle with the question: What is considered common-knowledge?
I have Mommy Vommitted on someone before just asking questions about how things were going. Apparently, not everyone expects the same things out of mommy-hood that I do . . . poop, vomit, attitude, freaking out, blood, lack of sleep, etc.
I think the bigger offense is “forgetting” what it's like to have a little kid, once your kids are older. THOSE parents I really want to STRANGLE!
Ha! I'm so guilty of this … lol
I wished that someone mommy vom on me. Seriously. No one told me how difficult it “really” would be. Like how you want to drive you head into the wall after you baby screamed with colic for 3 months straight and trying to function on 2 hours sleep total…not straight is what you have to get used to!
Sigh, but my son is pretty awesome and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Just remind me by vomiting on me if and when I do decide for another
I had my husband's male cousin vomiting all over me about the gauze panties I was going to have to wear post birth when I was preggers with my first. Another mom at work went on about how my girly bits would NEVER. BE. THE. SAME. NEVER. How can we not vomit a bit on others after all that?
I am a chronic vomiter. I feel it is my duty in life to set the ignorant on the path to enlightenment.
Because when I said, while pregnant, that raising a baby is just like managing a project and people who get stressed about it don't know how to manage their time…I was ignorant.
So people are going to get a dose of my vomit, I mean enlightenment, whether they want it or not!
I've done that. And I'm not a mom. That's got to be ten times worse.
Oh, I vomit a lot. I try not to, but sometimes I just can't hold it back.
Happens to the best of us. I think non-mom's have a tune it out mechanism.
Okay, it scares me a little bit… but it doesn't make me any less excited about my baby boy being here.
I actually don't vomit. Unless asked. Then I will tell the truth. Otherwise, it's just smile and nod.
No one needs to know about the hemorrhoids.
I have totally mommy vomited…sometimes its just hard not to when you love your little one so much!
Oh, I SO hated the Mommy Vomit when I was pregnant! Especially the “you'll never sleep again” version. And the “labor sucks” version wasn't much better.
And now? I totally catch myself upchucking at others. It's a disease, I tell you.
Last night I almost started crying about how BooBoo goes to Kindergarten next year to my mom's friend who is like 80.
I totally Mommy Vomit all of the time, but my vomit is about having a Tween. Most of my friends have younger children. When I start vomiting up all my Tween Stories their eyes open wide, their mouths hang open, and they clutch their little babies or cute toddlers a little tighter.
It is actually kind of amusing!
Darnit, I'm guilty.
I had a couple friends this weekend with severe mommy vomit and our current pregnant friend almost had a breakdown. She was soooo pale. I sat there laughing at all of them, silently thinking “you suckers.” They will of course be laughing back at me when it's my turn.
I've always been a bit too honest probably about mommyhood. Oh well. Better they be prepared! HA!
My hubby and I are tentatively planning on getting preggers this next year. I feel unprepared–and yes, scared. However, I grew up the oldest of six siblings, so I know about poop and sleepless nights. You can “vomit” on me anytime, lol
Oh, I've doe that too! Then I can remember being pregnant and thinking, “Why do people have to be so negative!” You just don't realize until after you personally have children, that all that horrible stuff is worth it!
Mommy vomit sounds like a unique Christmas gift.
That is so funny! and now that I think about it … I may have done that a few times, except to not pregnant friends. so true though … it's all worth it!
as a non-mom who wants to be a mom, those kinds of stories don't scare me. I mean, at this point in my biological clock, you'd have to tell me that babies are demons who want to eat my eyeballs in order to scare me. and even then, I'd still consider it. because baby smell! gah!
what I hate is when moms look at me like I'm so stupid for wanting a baby. because I have NO IDEA what's in store. because I CLEARLY can't handle it. give it a few days and I'll change my mind.
ugg. I want to punch those women! so smug.
MOMMY VOMIT ROCKS!!!
Okay, we were at this class with this younger couple who just got married a couple years ago and are taking PARENTING CLASSES for when they have kids. I laughed. I seriously LAUGHED AT THEM. How rude of me!
I am so very very guilty of this. In general, I'm not real great with boundaries. I will talk about taboo subjects without blinking an eye. When it comes to pregnancy, I'm a menace to society.
My coworkers are afraid to tell me when they are expecting. I can't help myself. I should be stopped before the entire office goes on permanent birth control.
I used to get vomited on all the time, but I couldn't do anything with said vomit because I was having twins, and the situation was totally different. But it was comforting to hear people say things like, “One is hard enough…but with 2? You'll definitely need help!” Thanks. At 10 weeks pregnant I came home from my first moms of multiples meeting covered in vomit and I stayed up all night fretting about double strollers, nannies, and cracked nipples.
So needless to say, I try not to vomit. Those poor expectant twin moms don't need any more terrifying stories than they already have!
Mommy vomitting is my favourite pastime, you would be suprise at how many people blanche at episiotomy scar!
Poop in great detail was never a taboo topic with me. Pregnant or not
Thankfully you can move on from mommy vomit. Kid vomit, especially on a hot day, lingers in the car for months.
Thankfully you can move on from mommy vomit. Kid vomit, especially on a hot day, lingers in the car for months.
Thankfully you can move on from mommy vomit. Kid vomit, especially on a hot day, lingers in the car for months.
Please tell me you have trademarked that phrase. Otherwise I shall steal it. Not that I ever DO the vomit thing, mind you…
First-timer here. I've seen you all over the Blogosphere and decided to check things out for myself. I'll be back!
No need to worry. I'm not sure mommy vomit ever really sinks in anyway. I remember every time someone mommy vomited on me when I was pregnant, I just brushed it off to them having bad kids and being idiots.
Man was I a smug asshole. I guess I kind of still am.
Also if you'd gone the other direction and said it was all worth it, she still wouldn't get it. I never knew how amazing it would be to see someone stick their tongue out at me.
I have a mommy vomit anecdote. It is my husband. When I know we are going around pregnant woman and remind him to physically restrain me if necessary to keep me from talking to her and telling her all sorts of horror stories. Especially when breastfeeding comes up-that is my trigger issue-I have mixed feelings and if I'm not careful they will vomit all over any unsuspecting pregnant woman/new mom who gets within 500 feet. They should all get restraining orders from me now. I.Am.That.Bad.
Bwahahahaa!!! I love this. Mommy vomit. I've totally done this before. All over my newly pregnant friends. Not intending to scare the crap out of them, but doing so all the same. But you are absolutely right. It is all worth it in a way that you can totally not explain to someone who doens't have kids yet. Poop, diarrhea, no sleep? It doesn't mean a thing when you can cuddle that warm body into your lap and breath in that delicious baby smell. There's nothing like it in the whole wide world.
If it had been actual vomit, I bet she would have been a lot more horrified.
I try to remain silent with the prego ladies. (They are just all too cute for me to upset.)
But, now, with my two oldest being a teen and a pre-teen, I “worried-mom-vomit” over everyone. All the time.
KLZ, you never cease to amaze me with your vocabulary. “Keep it real.” Um, that's an understatement.I truly appreciate all of the 'ick' that I was told before having kids – don't sugar coat things for me, people! I need to know that a shower will be a luxury and cracked nipples are just gonna happen!
I have found myself trying to explain the bliss of parenthood by telling expecting parents: “Your head is going to blow clean off!”
Sounds delightful, right? Not so much to a newbie.
But it's so, so true.
Love this post! And so true.
I am kind of glad (in retrospect) that none of my friends or family told us what it was REALLY like before we had kids. They just nodded, smiled and said stuff like, “Oh, we're so happy for you, it will be so much fun… blah blah blah.”
Inside, I'm sure they were giggling to themselves, thinking, “Suckers!!”
But I probably wouldn't have believed them if they would have told me the truth anyways. Until you get there yourself, it's hard to imagine just how hard… or how awesome… parenthood really is.
I didn't read the title correctly so I thought you had literally vomited on a pregnant woman.
And all I could think was, “Well, she'd better get used to it.”
I don't think I'd mind a few mom stories and I'm sure she didn't either.
What I don't want to hear is some stranger telling me what my labor is going to be like, just because that's how HER labor was. Those are the ones I can't stand.
Just let me believe that I'm going to be special and unique and that it won't hurt and then butterflies will fly from my vagina and drop my baby in my arms in a fluffy blanket.
Soo, sooo true! Love that you coined the Mommy Vomit phrase. I may have to submit it to Urban Dictionary in your honor.
Haha – Mommy vomit – classic symptom of either 1. sleep deprivation or 2. post traumatic shock
Great post!