Embarrassing Moments Tie Us Together

Jenn from Midwest Momments is a “new to me” friend. And I’ve gotta say, she’s awesome. I’m so, so glad we’ve gotten to know each other.

She’s the kind of friend I like to have. She’s sweet, supportive, and corrects my grammar. All hail the Nerd Mafia.

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I’ve been considering a “Top 10 Most Embarrassing Moments” post for awhile now. Due to some insanity in our house during the month of November, I barely blogged at all and most of it was just ranting, so a fun piece like this had been pushed aside for the time being. Then KLZ asked about guest posting, and I thought, “Perfect! I can degrade myself on someone else’s blog!” To be fair, none of these are secret, so it’s really not that degrading. It’s just that now the whole world could potentially know about them instead of just those in the tri-state area. I’m withholding numero uno because even though it’s been over 15 years since it happened, just thinking about it turns my cheeks red with humiliation. I’m not quite to the laugh-about-it stage. Just a smile or a chuckle is all I can muster. Someday….

Since most of you don’t know me in person, a little background – I’m flaky. Like a Grands biscuit. I wish I wasn’t, but I am. I’m also clumsy. Surprising in a way since I play sports and danced for 20 years. When I would stub my toe on the door jamb, my dad would ask me in bewilderment, “How can you be a graceful ballerina and not be able to walk without getting injured?” Unfortunately, I come by it naturally. My mom is clumsy yet graceful/athletic, too. In addition to genetics, there’s also the fact that I’m just generally not a very lucky person. Case in point – my graduating class had around 500 students. There was a post-graduation party that almost everyone attended. They gave out 450 raffle prizes (better odds of winning than not). I did not get one.

Thankfully, I’ve always been able to roll with the punches (sometimes literally). Sometimes too easily. Spilling something in my house growing up was expected. It never even occurred to me that it should be something to get upset about. The first time I knocked over a glass of water at DH’s parents’ house, I thought he was going to go nuts. I usually apologize when I spill at someone else’s house, but it was just water. I just said, “Oops! Do you have some paper towels?” Unlike the time I spilled orange pop at my friend’s house in middle school. On their white carpet. Ugh. FYI, Bounty really does hold up to scrubbing like they say it does on the commercial.

I’d like to say exiting puberty and becoming a so-called adult has aided my physical prowess. I’d be lying. Two of the worst physical injuries I’ve sustained (requiring trips to the ER) happened after I was 25. About once a month I knock over the cup of water on my desk at work. That gives you a general sense of the kind of environment you’d experience in my presence. Fortunately, my witty (?) personality apparently outweighs my embarrassing moment-vortex, so I managed to get DH to marry me and my butterfingers. (And the friend who had the orange pop? She and I are still friends after 20-some years and 1500 miles between us. Although, now that I think about it, maybe the distance has helped maintain the friendship?)

So without further ado, here is my list of my “Top 10 (9) Most Embarrassing Moments”.

10. Taking our new van to the dealership where we bought it three days prior so they could do an adjustment we requested and having to explain why it was already wrecked. That’s right. Our brand new (to us) van. After owning it less than 20 minutes, on the drive home from the dealership that night, there was something in the road that I hit, ripping a hole in our front bumper.

9. Wrecking our car (which is why we bought the aforementioned new van) and realizing our oldest was nakey-pants in her car seat. So when a kindly passerby offered to help get us out of the totaled car, I had to dress my child. On a busy road. During rush hour. In the cold. But it wasn’t just strangers who witnessed it. A guy I used to work with stopped and saw us and offered help. Mother of the year award, here I come!

8. Let me preface Number Eight by saying that when I got baby brain with my first pregnancy, it never completely went away. And I had it B-A-D. When I returned to work after maternity leave, I really only had one choice for my pumping needs – the storage closet. It wasn’t too bad. Really. Anyway, one day after my second baby was born, I got hooked up to my double-electric, hands-free pump and started reading my book. After a few minutes, I felt dampness on my legs. I looked down and there was a huge spot covering each thigh – I’d forgotten to attach the bottles! And because it was casual Friday, I was wearing jeans, so the quantity of liquid was fairly great by the time I’d noticed it. Why hadn’t it happened the day before when I was wearing thinner slacks? It wouldn’t have been less embarrassing, but it would have wasted much less milk. <–KLZ's note: I have never, ever had this happen to me. Except that one time. Swear.

7. As I mentioned, my high school class had about 500 students. When yearbooks were handed out, they dismissed each class early, stepping them about 20 minutes apart. Seniors were dismissed first, 20 minutes later, juniors, etc. Most of the kids hung out in front of the gym signing yearbooks and chatting before leaving school for the day. My senior year, I’d gotten a bunch of signatures from a group of kids, and was walking back over to join my peeps. As I walked, I was reading over some of the comments. “Stay sweet!”, “Have a fun summer!”, etc. I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was walking. Which is why I ended up walking into a “No Parking” sign. The metal sign whipped back and forth noisily, causing everyone there to look up and take notice. Awesome. Nothing screams “awkward teen” like drawing attention to an act of clumsiness. That the ENTIRE CLASS is there to witness.

6. Tripping up stairs is kind of second nature to me, so I was hesitant to include it in the list. I tripped up the stairs in high school regularly. One time even in the senior hall when I was a freshman and my books splayed out everywhere, and my “friends” just walked on and left me there because they were afraid we’d… get beat up? I don’t know now why we were afraid of the senior hall.

Anyhoo, this tripping story has more to do with another “friend” selling me out. At my old job, the company took us to opening day at the Royals. A fun perk. It included a lunch buffet and open bar. One of my friends and I went to the concession stand, and on the way there, you guessed it, I tripped up the steps. Granted, I may have been a tiny bit tipsy, but I was far from incapacitated. This was just me being me. My friend thinks it’s hilarious when people fall down (the TV show “Wipeout” was totally made for her), so she started cracking up and telling me it was captured on the Jumbo-Tron. My jaw dropped – no! It turned out that it wasn’t really (she was just messing with me), but when we got back to our seats, she asked everyone if they’d seen it. Though she was kidding, the vicious rumor mill had begun. With the added twist of alcoholic consumption, this version of telephone was rampant. Within seconds all 100 employees were talking about it. “Did you hear Jennifer tripped on the stairs and it was on the Jumbo-Tron? No way! That’s hilarious!” As with any rumor, it took much longer for the truth to come out than the falsehood to spread. Way to look professional!

5. In case you were worried that I only provide slapstick comedy, here’s a verbal/written gaffe for your enjoyment. Our daughter’s 3rd birthday was in July. I do graphic design on the side, so enjoyed making her invitations and place cards and all the little decorative elements. At the time I was designing them, I heard about these play date calling cards that apparently were becoming all the rage. Initially I thought that seemed a bit extreme for a preschooler, but decided it would be fun to make some to include in the favor bags. Here it is for your perusal. Unfortunately, my sisters, who do not have children of their own and are even more out of touch with the latest kid trends, read them and thought I was advertising a new business I was starting where I coordinate playdates for other kids. What? That’s not what it says? I re-read it. Oh, crap. I can see how it reads that way. Nice. Couldn’t sound any more slimey-used-car-salesman-y could I? Who advertises in their kid’s party favors?

4. I’d like to say that Number Six was my only work-related moment, but there have actually been several of them. At my old office, we had cubicles with 6 ft. walls. One day a colleague was talking about something at the end of the row that pertained to me, so I pushed my wheeled chair back from my desk to poke my head out and join the conversation. The pushing to leaning ratio was not mathematically sound. I fell over backwards into the hallway. For those of you unfamiliar with the difficulty level of removing oneself from a chair of this sort while flat on one’s back, let me assure you that it is not a simple or quick task. What should have been witnessed by a couple of people became a departmental gathering as I tried to extricate myself to the cacaphony of guffaws eminating from my co-workers.

3. Middle school. Is there a more uncomfortable stage in life? Sure there are moments, but those early teen years are a continuous wave of hormone-induced tragedy or embarrassment with crests of joy that manage to push their way to the top from time to time. I realize now that most kids feel that way, though back then I was sure that I was the only one. One day after eating fried chicken for lunch in the clamorous cafeteria, I stood up to put my tray away and go to the bathroom before heading to class. As I turned to walk away, I slipped on water that was on the floor and face-planted into my tray. Silence. A split-second later, applause and laughter. I stood up, red-faced, chicken bones in my hair, my shirt wet with the last bit of New York Seltzer I hadn’t drunk. (Anyone else remember New York Seltzer?) I rushed out of there and cleaned myself up the best I could, but had to call my mom to bring me a clean, dry shirt. So I was late to class, which drew even more attention. (Snickers from classmates upon entrance – and I don’t mean the yummy chocolate kind.)

2. You know how you see news stories and think, “What an idiot? Who would do something so dumb?” This is one of those stories. In February after I graduated from college, a friend of mine got engaged. Her wedding was to be in Portland, and I had gotten a plane ticket to fly out on Wednesday and spend the long weekend helping her with preparations and celebrating. Sunday night I went to bed with a headache. Monday morning I woke up and had a full blown head cold. But I was in serious denial. You can’t fly with a sinus infection, people, you just can’t. At least, not without wanting to die. So I did what any delusional person who had spent money she didn’t have on a plane ticket she couldn’t change. I took drugs. Lots of them. I tried one brand when I got up at 8am. It didn’t put a dent in my symptoms by 10am, so a friend suggested a different cold medicine. I took it. Immediately. By 4pm, I was feeling worse instead of better, so I tried something else. After what felt like a month, the 8-hour workday was over. I slogged out the door.

On the way home I had to stop to get gas. I had to wait for a spot to open up; it was rush hour and the place also did oil changes, so it was crowded. I just wanted to go to sleep. And I was shivering. Possibly from the winter weather, but it could have been a fever. So I pulled up to the pump and started the gas, then got back in and closed my eyes for a little catnap in the warmth of my car. (This was before the days of exploding gas stations from static electricity/cell phone use.) After a few minutes, the tank was full again. I opened my groggy eyes and drove away.

Suddenly I heard KA-CHING! Oh. My. GOD. I forgot to take the nozzle out of my tank. I just broke the pump. I looked in my rearview mirror, expecting to see gas spewing out of the stand. Thankfully, they invented an auto-shut off for people like me. Everyone had stopped what they were doing and was staring in my direction, mouths agape. I got out of the car, gathering up the hose, thinking, “How much does a new pump handle cost? Thousands of dollars?” Then I realized that when I’d stopped the car, I parked on the hose. So I got back in my car, moved it forward 6 inches, then got back out to resume my humiliating clean-up. I walked toward the convenience store unsure what to say, when an employee met me halfway looking irritated. “I got it,” he grumbled. “I’m so sorry,” I said, almost in tears. He turned and walked away. Silver lining: No damage was done to my car, and I didn’t have to pay for the pump.

1. Unmentionable. Let me just say that it was caught on tape, and many so-called “friends” have suggested I submit it to AFV. Use your imagination. (Psst, any friends who may have stopped by, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT list said unmentionable in the comments section. Thanks for your support.)

It’s funny because making this list has prompted so many more memories of embarrassing events. How about you? Any good ones to share?

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Now, feel free to go check out the embarrassing things I’ve done at Midwest Momments.