I think anyone who has ever been pregnant can relate to the story below. Enjoy.
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In my opinion, and it’s the only one that really counts, when planning a wedding your should think of your guests. Don’t invite families if you want to have a piss-up. Don’t invite 12 week pregnant mothers with their 2 year olds on an hour long bus ride through unpaved cottage country.
And if you ignore all of the above at the very least serve edible food. And let the families know that 16 changes of clothes are required for the kids because the wedding is in a sandbox. Surrounded by a huge body of water.
And no, I didn’t remember 16 changes of clothes anyways, I was pregnant and barfing. It was obviously Ken’s job.
So the ceremony starts and it was fine. The view of the water was obscured by the 200 docks and power boats and my lovely white pants were covered with sand before cocktails were served. But I kept a brave face, tried to keep my spirits up and carried on. (that’s a total lie, I was a grump from the start)
After the ceremony the guests hit the open bar enthusiastically. I realized that the bus system was actually because the crowd seemed to made up of mostly alcoholics and they were likely to drive into the lake should they get behind the wheel of a car.
I was getting hungry and noticed that others were also looking around expectantly for the tray of appetizers that routinely appear at this point in the festivities. It was here that the event went from quirky beach wedding to a never ending misery that I couldn’t even escape because the bus wasn’t coming back until 11pm.
The tray did not appeared, at least not the lovely tray of well thought out snacks with zippy dipping sauces that I would have liked. The bartender, however, plugged in a carnival style popcorn maker, the kind that coats the corn with lard, completed with little self-serve baggies.
I have 2 states, fainting from starvation and food coma. Being in the former state I dug into the popcorn. Here is a warning, do not eat more that one baggie of popcorn covered in lard and salt, you will not feel very good. Also should you make the grave error of over indulging in said popcorn be sure that there is at least running water available so that you might remove all traces and scent of this snack.
After the popcorn disaster I waited in earnest for the buffet. I lurked over to the cooking area. It was a pig, a whole pig on a spit. I have not been a carnivore for very long and mostly I enjoy meat, I do draw the line at animals cooked with their heads and feet attached. I wanted to pound my feet in the sand and yell and scream until someone had the good sense to order a pizza.
Finally the buffet opened and I pushed my way to the front pretending my little girl couldn’t wait another minute. I piled an indecent volume of potato salad on my plate, adding cucumbers, lettuce and cobs of corn for colour.
The lettuce was rotten and I am sure local livestock had already turned their noses up at the corn on the cob. Guess the caterer got it for a deal. I sent Ken back 3 times for bread and butter.
And the pig... I’m sure I heard Ken mutter “waste of a good pig”
When the MC finally announced that the first bus was leaving to return us to the hotels, I ran for my life with my filthy black fly bitten baby girl in tow. I sprinted, passing Grandmothers with walkers and a man with a ventilator. I was the first one on the bus out of that hell.
In retrospect, at 3 months pregnant, with mouth sores from too many preggie pops, I think I was the life of the party. (link for preggie pops http://preggiepopdrops.com/)
And if you ignore all of the above at the very least serve edible food. And let the families know that 16 changes of clothes are required for the kids because the wedding is in a sandbox. Surrounded by a huge body of water.
And no, I didn’t remember 16 changes of clothes anyways, I was pregnant and barfing. It was obviously Ken’s job.
So the ceremony starts and it was fine. The view of the water was obscured by the 200 docks and power boats and my lovely white pants were covered with sand before cocktails were served. But I kept a brave face, tried to keep my spirits up and carried on. (that’s a total lie, I was a grump from the start)
After the ceremony the guests hit the open bar enthusiastically. I realized that the bus system was actually because the crowd seemed to made up of mostly alcoholics and they were likely to drive into the lake should they get behind the wheel of a car.
I was getting hungry and noticed that others were also looking around expectantly for the tray of appetizers that routinely appear at this point in the festivities. It was here that the event went from quirky beach wedding to a never ending misery that I couldn’t even escape because the bus wasn’t coming back until 11pm.
The tray did not appeared, at least not the lovely tray of well thought out snacks with zippy dipping sauces that I would have liked. The bartender, however, plugged in a carnival style popcorn maker, the kind that coats the corn with lard, completed with little self-serve baggies.
I have 2 states, fainting from starvation and food coma. Being in the former state I dug into the popcorn. Here is a warning, do not eat more that one baggie of popcorn covered in lard and salt, you will not feel very good. Also should you make the grave error of over indulging in said popcorn be sure that there is at least running water available so that you might remove all traces and scent of this snack.
After the popcorn disaster I waited in earnest for the buffet. I lurked over to the cooking area. It was a pig, a whole pig on a spit. I have not been a carnivore for very long and mostly I enjoy meat, I do draw the line at animals cooked with their heads and feet attached. I wanted to pound my feet in the sand and yell and scream until someone had the good sense to order a pizza.
Finally the buffet opened and I pushed my way to the front pretending my little girl couldn’t wait another minute. I piled an indecent volume of potato salad on my plate, adding cucumbers, lettuce and cobs of corn for colour.
The lettuce was rotten and I am sure local livestock had already turned their noses up at the corn on the cob. Guess the caterer got it for a deal. I sent Ken back 3 times for bread and butter.
And the pig... I’m sure I heard Ken mutter “waste of a good pig”
When the MC finally announced that the first bus was leaving to return us to the hotels, I ran for my life with my filthy black fly bitten baby girl in tow. I sprinted, passing Grandmothers with walkers and a man with a ventilator. I was the first one on the bus out of that hell.
In retrospect, at 3 months pregnant, with mouth sores from too many preggie pops, I think I was the life of the party. (link for preggie pops http://preggiepopdrops.com/)
11 comments:
Horrible wedding! I don't know if I could have stayed polite(ish) like you. I'd probably have tried to find others that were looking for food or a way out of there. Then start a riot.
Now what I'm curious about: Did you send a thank-you note afterwards? ;-)
That sounds like the most horrible day ever, the stuff that great jokes are made of...
The one thing we never wanted our guests to say at our wedding was, "the food sucked."
and it didn't, thank God.
Oh, I have had the displeasure of being invited - as a family - to weddings that clearly had nothing of family in mind.
A grand affair with cocktails and haute couture appetizers that NO child would eat for the first TWO HOURS because the wedding party was taking pictures. Families all sitting together at the END of "get up and get food from the buffet" line. The other parents and I rebelled and despite the wedding organizer telling us that we weren't supposed to be at the buffet yet, we went up anyway. Our kids were STARVING, and we had all long since exhausted the snacks we'd all brought with us.
Clueless rich people. It was annoying.
OMG. What a day. Reminds me of a friend, who carried the rest of her wedding cake with her ONTO THE PLANE for her honeymoon! This was obviously back in the day! molly
What a nightmare!!!
I bet the bride and groom gush over how wonderful their wedding was too. Gross.
That sounds like pure misery.
Funny, I know a blogger whose married to a guy named Ken and has two kids...
That it beyond awful! I don't blame you for a second for racing old ladies to the bus!
LMAO. I was not preggers but having an outdoor wedding in middle of August in a very hot country also qualifies as torturing your guests.
I just don't think this sounded like fun at all...especially when you are pregnant and trapped with the alcoholics and a skewered pig!
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