Mishap Week: How Not to Ship a Dog

My dear friend Lori, whom I have adopted as a daughter through absolutely no legal means, writes this little blog called In Pursuit of Martha Points.

It should be noted: her name is Lori. Not Martha.

She’s also recently started a great initiative with Project Purse and Boots which benefits the American Stroke Association. She’s also going to be a billionaire thanks to the handy dandy brain sponge she invented.

So clearly, she’s someone you want to suck up to. Read the her contribution to Mishap Week below. Or head over to her blog and commence butt kissing.

—————————————————————

When I moved my family to England, one member had to stay behind. Indigo, our faithful and highly neurotic blue-heeler/Aussie-shepherd pooch.

Indigo would have endured six months of quarantine each direction, and we weren’t sure how housing would go if we had a dog.

At the 11th hour, our adopter backed out.

I sat on my computer, writing up ads for Yahoo Pets, sobbing, thinking I might need to give my dog to the shelter. I relayed all this in chat to a friend. In Alabama.

I saw same friend in chat later that evening and she announced, “We’ve had a family meeting. We’re adopting the dog. Just figure out how to get her here.”

Thus commenced: Operation Canine Relocation.

Step 1: Call airlines to figure out how the hell one gets a dog from California to Alabama.

Step 2: Collect different information about the regulations involved in unattended live animal shipping from each individual with whom you speak.

Step 3: Cuddle dog and cry.

Step 4: Select the airline that does not require a blood deposit and a $10,000 line of credit and take instructions.

Step 5: Take dog to vet to get the requisite health certificate.

Step 6: Call airline 3 days before shipping, per instructions, to reserve space.

Step 7: Get informed that health certificates must be dated within 7 days of transport, note that yours is dated 10 days from transport.

Step 8: Yell at airline.

Step 9: Yell at vet.

Step 10: Take dog to the vet to acquire second health certificate.

Step 11: On day of transport, put the four-year-old in day care, drive 2 hours with the dog to the airport.

Step 12: On arrival in parking garage, slip dog a tranquilizer hidden in a hot-dog.

Step 13: Go to the ticket counter with drugged dog.

Step 14: Get informed by ticket counter that you were supposed to take the dog to the freight division.

Step 15: Cry.

Step 16: Yell at ticket counter people.

Step 17: Watch dog list onto carpet.

Step 18: Become those people.

Step 19: Argue with ticket people about tarmac temperatures, transport times, and drugged domestic animals.

Step 20: Get OK from “management” to ship dog on a later flight.

Step 21: Haul ass and drugged dog to the freight division.

Step 22: Order dog crate.

Step 23: Write down dog’s itinerary, suffer brief coronary episode when agents discuss pet allowances on the second leg of the journey, but be re-assured when you are told, “They take goats, they must take dogs.”

Step 24: Wonder who the hell is shipping goats by air.

Step 25: Drag nearly unconscious dog to the crate and lift her in.

Step 26: Give dog one more cuddle.

Step 27: Wave good-bye to dog.

Step 28: Cry.