Welcome to Grown-up training. As you know, our goal here is to make you an adult.
Now that you’ve been in the program awhile, you’re going to want to become a toddler. We can’t promote just anyone to the title of toddler. You’re going to have to walk. Toddle, as it were. And to do that, you’re going to have to learn to stand.
I won’t lie to you: it’s going to be tough. You are going to fall down. But, our team of experts has compiled some tips that we are going to share with you to help you on your way.
The first thing you’re going to want to do is pull up. We recommend that you move to precarious objects as quickly as possible. Is there a teetering stack of newspapers laying around? Pull up on that. The fact that it is unstable will make you work harder and prepare you for real life. Your parents may think this is dangerous and try to stop you. Be sure to work on this while they are not looking.
Speaking of dangers, your parents will also try to protect you from things like table corners. They’re afraid you’ll poke an eye out. Well, we agree with you, that’s stupid. You haven’t poked an eye out yet have you? Those plastic bumpers will be a pain so pull them off whenever possible. One good thing we can say about them though: they make great teething toys. So, once you’ve dislodged them from their rightful corner, shove them quickly into your mouth.
Now, say you’ve gotten to a stand. Your mom is watching you. You start to totter. You’re going to want to lessen your fall somehow so be sure to use her face to soften the blow. In fact, shove your hand right into her ear and yank on it for leverage as you fall. The fact that your nails are sharp and need a trim only helps you gain a solid grip in her ear canal. This will likely cause her to holler but it will mean your cute tush hits the ground at about 0.001 miles an hour. No brainer, right?
If you follow these tips you should be standing on your own and walking within no time. Once you do that, come back and we’ll give you your official Toddler badge.
And a guide on how to throw the perfect tantrum.
How clever and adorable…and…and…I don't know if I can stand to be friends with someone this funny and smart.
Sorry, I have this filter thing problem that doesn't stop me from saying what I'm really thinking.
You're smart. I really like you. I wish you were my neighbor. Sorry, it kicks in a lot when I'm overly impressed.
LMAO.
Love it. I am dreading the walking years. Right now J is just starting to pull up. On everything.
Haha! Heart attack on two legs…that's what it is!
Seriously! It's like all sharp corners had a magnetic pull to my daughter's forehead. We had a LOT of goose eggs when she learned how to walk…
You are too cute! this is perfect. You should just write an entire book!
Once he masters standing, falling, child safety device chewing, and mommy injuring (basic level), he can come to our house and learn about advanced juice box squirting, couch trampoline, “reading” to kitty, and mommy injuring (advanced level). Ages two and up.
Perfect tutorial and so funny!!!
My son would be glad to lead the class on how to throw a toddler tantrum!
ROFL. By the way. I don't need a guide on how to throw the perfect tantrum. I'm pretty good at that already.
A))Clever in a way that makes me oh so jealous.
B))Why in the H are baby nails always so damn sharp. And, why oh why do they always find their way into the most uncomfortable places.
C))I don't know why I think you will care, but I must tell you that after “discussing” our love of Gilmore Girls, I finally convinced my husband I needed the complete series box set. It will be delivered tomorrow. Somehow I feel I should thank you. (Now I sound like a stalker. I'm not. Promise.)
Ha, I'd like to read the tantrum manual.
I have a post on hissy fits for adults, but I'd like to see the child's version.
Now see, when *I* fall down, no one makes cute posts about. They start looking for where I might have hidden the liquor bottles.
Damned toddler-grownup double standard.
My favorite thing to do now when I fall down is throw my arms out wide and shout “LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!” Except no one remembers Chevy Chase but me.
So then in addition to looking for the liquor, they're also looking for a little bottle of pills…
Can't wait for the “perfect tantrum” lesson! (Can adults use that lesson too?)
Great post! Oh by the way, no manual required for how to perfect the perfect tantrum, all offspring come pre-programmed for maximum impact on that one, along with negotiation skills and the determination to outlast a United Nations peace talks coordinator when it comes to getting what they really want. You might need to upgrade that emergency getaway vacation package to an extended stay
I knew there was a toddler conspiracy to wait until their nails were too long and get us back for time when we cut their itty bitty baby nails too short!
ROFL! I can't wait to see the installment on “Climbing” hahaha. Too funny. Hopping over from Holly's.
PERFECT! I just loved this. Smiled my whole way through…
How clever are you?! That brings back so man memories..I can totally picture my babies doing this. Unfortunately we are way more in the tantrum stage…UGH!
THANKS for linking up.